Comedy By Levine

No, sir, we do not have a "doggy bag" at this establishment.

2008-08-22T04:37:00.003-04:00

Another long one. I like it. The premise kinda got lost, though, and it just becomes a scene. I still like it, though, it has some good, small, subtle things that I normally don't write but have been trying to do more of lately. P.S. "Eric" was written with Jason Sudeikis in mind. It didn't start off that way, but that's what it slowly became as it progressed. He's a pretty Sudeikis-y character.

TEN DATES

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

An attractive couple, ERIC and JENNA, sit at their table at a fancy, five-star restaurant. The waiter comes by and quickly refills their wine glasses.

ERIC

Thank you, garcon.

WAITER

Very good, sir. Your dinners will be out shortly.

The waiter leaves. Jenna laughs and sits up in her seat.

JENNA

"Garcon"! I didn't know you spoke French!

ERIC

Only a little. I don't like to show off.

JENNA

Gosh, our tenth date and I'm still learning new things about you!

ERIC

Yeah, I guess we're still feeling each other out. Not literally yet, but--

JENNA

Haha! You play your cards right, mister, and tonight might be the night we make lo-ove!

Jenna smiles and sips her wine. Eric can read her obvious body language. He leans in.

ERIC

What do you say we skip the meal and just head back to my place right now?

Jenna smiles. She opens her mouth to answer when the waiter arrives just then with their food. Jenna and Eric sit up as the waiter sets down their plates in front of them. They look less than pleased at the waiter's timing but smile anyway.

WAITER

For you, sir, the roast duck in mushroom sauce. And for the lady, the veal in marinara.

JENNA

Thanks.

ERIC

(being "smooth")

Thank you, garcon...

He winks at Jenna. She giggles silently. The waiter doesn't react, he tries to move on.

WAITER

You two enjoy your meal. If there's anything else you need tonight, just let me know.

The waiter starts to leave, but Eric quickly stops him.

ERIC

Actually, is there anyway to get this to go? Like in a doggy bag?

Jenna smiles coyly.

JENNA

(aside, to Eric)

Oh, I'm gonna "doggy bag" you...

The waiter, meanwhile, is pretty put off by Eric's lower class request.

WAITER

(extremely snooty/pretentious)

No, sir, we do not have a, quote, "doggy bag" at this establishment.

ERIC

Uh, thanks.

The waiter smiles and nods to the couple.

WAITER

Enjoy your meal.

He exits. Eric turns to Jenna.

ERIC

Do you want to just stay and eat? I mean, the food is here, we may as well.

JENNA

Yeah, I mean--

She smiles widely.

JENNA

--it's not like your PENIS is going anywhere! Except in my VAGINA! HA!

Eric smiles with wide eyes and tries to suppress a laugh.

ERIC

(gritting his teeth)

Haaa, hey, let's see how fact we can eat our dinners!

JENNA

Okay!

They both dig in with intentions of eating fast and getting out of there, but, as soon as they take a bite of their dinners, they are immediately overwhelmed by how delicious it is.

ERIC

(mouth full of food)

Oh, wow.

JENNA

This is so good!

ERIC

Seriously the best duck I've ever tasted.

They both make "yummy" noises as they continue to eat their food with slightly less urgency as before, taking in the flavor with each bite.

ERIC

I still can't wait to do things to you... but this duck is so darn tasty!

JENNA

Oh, I'm going to taste YOUR duck!

ERIC

(not paying attention)

Do what now? Alright.

They continue to try to simultaneously eat fast and savor the food. Both moan at how good the food is and how horny they are.

JENNA

(moaning)

Nnnngh, seriously, I am going to destroy you.

ERIC

Me or the veal?

JENNA

(saying "both" with her mouth full)

BOF!

They continue to eat.

ERIC

God, when I get you home...

JENNA

Oh yeah, tell me, baby.

ERIC

I'm just gonna... Mmm... This duck is so tender!

JENNA

Come on!

ERIC

Alright, alright, let's get serious!

Just then, the waiter returns to the table.

WAITER

So how is everything?

ERIC

QUE MAGNIFIQUE.

JENNA

You're sure we can't wrap this up and take it home?

WAITER

(smug laugh)

No, madame, we don't cater to such lower class demands. But if there's anything else I can help you with, just let me know.

The waiter turns and leaves while Eric and Jenna hover over their plates, they are nowhere near being done. This is becoming work for them as they labor over the food.

ERIC

I feel like this is ruining the mood.

Jenna looks up at him with here cheeks stuffed with veal. She's got her bedroom eyes on, not to mention a little sauce on her chin.

JENNA

The sooner we finish eating, the sooner it'll be you between my cheeks and not this veal.

ERIC

You've got--

JENNA

Between my BUTT cheeks, I mean!

Eric takes a second and then moves on.

ERIC

You've got a little something...

He motions to the sauce on her chin. She takes her napkin and wipes it up.

JENNA

Yeah, let me wipe that sauce up. It'll be YOUR sauce next, baby...

ERIC

Please don't incorporate the meal into your come-ons, it's really not doing it for me.

Eric is slowly losing all interest here. He's not even eating anymore.

JENNA

Come on, finish eating!

ERIC

I'm really not into this anymore. Let's just calm down and eat like normal.

Jenna doesn't slow down.

ERIC

No, come on, let's just have a normal meal.

Jenna continues to stuff her face. She grabs some bread from the complimentary bread basket and munches on that between bites of veal.

ERIC

(confused)

Why would you eat the bread if you're trying to get out of here faster?

Jenna continues. Eric looks disgusted.

ERIC

I've really lost my appetite here.

Jenna doesn't look up for this one.

JENNA

I've still got an appetite for you.

ERIC

Yeah...

The waiter approaches again.

WAITER

And how is everything?

ERIC

Can we just get the check?

WAITER

Are you sure? It doesn't look like the lady is finished.

Jenna takes a deep breath and continues to put it away.

ERIC

I'm sure. Just the check, please.

WAITER

Very well. I'll be just a moment.

The waiter exits. Eric just looks at Jenna as she pigs out. She takes one last lazy bite and sits up.

ERIC

Some veal, huh? We'll have to remember this place.

No response. Jenna doesn't look so good, she kinda stares off blankly.

ERIC

Are you okay--

She spits up a little on herself.

ERIC

(horrified)

Oh, boy.

Jenna still looks out of it, she ate way too much way too fast. Eric looks uncomfortable.

ERIC

I'm just going to leave my credit card with you, I'll get it back eventually.

He stands to leave.

ERIC

I really don't know why you finished your whole meal, you really didn't have to--

Jenna suddenly snaps out of it.

JENNA

Wait!

ERIC

Yeah?

JENNA

(groggily)

You speak French, right? The language of love?

ERIC

We've established that, yes.

JENNA

Voulez-vous---

ERIC

(realizing what's going on here)

No.

JENNA

--Coucher--

ERIC

No.

JENNA

--A vec moi--

ERIC

No, not at all.

JENNA

--Ce soir?

ERIC

No. Tonight? Definitely not tonight. I'll call you.

Just then, the waiter returns with the check.

ERIC

Oh, as long as you're here...

He hands his credit card to the waiter.

ERIC

Quickly, please.

The waiter looks confused at what's going on, then "realizes" as he smiles knowingly.

WAITER

Ah, yes, sir. I won't hold up your love-making session any longer than I have to.

ERIC

(repulsed)

What in the-- No, that's not... Oh, dear...

He catches a glimpse of Jenna. She looks terrible.

ERIC

Oh, dear. Are you alright?

Jenna looks up at him.

JENNA

Remember when we wanted a doggy bag?

ERIC

Yes...?

Jenna motions for him to come closer. He does. Then:

JENNA

(whispering)

I want you to put it in my doggy bag...

Eric is instantly repulsed.

ERIC

I take it back, I WON'T be calling you.

The waiter returns with Eric's credit card and the receipt to sign. Eric signs very quickly and sloppily.

ERIC

Goodnight!

He quickly exits. The waiter looks confused. Jenna looks groggy. She looks up at him.

JENNA

Well... Do YOU want to have sex with me?

The waiter looks completely disgusted.

WAITER

(repulsed)

Madame, please. At Olive Garden, you're family.

BLACK OUT.

Ringo, no! Ringo, why?!

2008-08-17T01:39:00.003-04:00

This is a really long one. I actually wrote it a good two weeks ago, re-wrote the ending last week, and am only now posting it. The "Scrambled Eggs" song and its first two lines are actually real, the rest is made up (obviously). Who doesn't enjoy a little Beatles humor? (You tell me who right now, I'll kill 'em!!)

INT. RECORDING STUDIO

Three of the Beatles (John, George, Ringo) sit in the recording studio noodling around on their instruments and intermittently checking their watches. They are dressed in the generic black Beatles suits. Producer George Martin sits behind the glass in the production room.

JOHN

Any word yet, George?

GEORGE MARTIN

Not at all, John.

Just then, Paul finally comes running into the studio with his acoustic guitar and lyric sheet. The other three Beatles look up at his with exasperated looks on their faces.

GEORGE HARRISON

It's about time!

PAUL

Sorry, George, I was working on this new tune. It's the strangest thing, it actually came to me in a dream.

JOHN

That's great, Paul. We've only been waiting for you for three bleedin' hours is all.

PAUL

Sorry again, John, I just had to get this down on paper while it was still fresh in me head.

GEORGE HARRISON

Alright, well, let's hear it.

PAUL

(unsure)

I don't know, I only just wrote it--

JOHN

C'mon, Paul, we've been waiting all day!

PAUL

It still needs some tweaking--

Paul cuts himself off as he gets a look at Ringo behind the drum kit. Ringo is holding the sides of his face and looks like he could cry like a baby. He is a spitting image of the painting "The Scream."

PAUL

(concerned)

No, Ringo! I'll play, I'll play!

Ringo cheers up a little but looks apprehensive. George H. comforts him while Paul sits down at a nearby stool with his guitar and puts his lyrics on the podium in front of him. He strums the guitar lightly to make sure it's in tune.

PAUL

This is really my first run of the tune, but I think it's pretty good.

GEORGE MARTIN

What's it called?

PAUL

Oh, the title is "Scrambled Eggs."

Everyone looks around like that is the dumbest thing they've ever heard.

JOHN

You made us wait three hours so you could write a song about breakfast? Are you mental?

PAUL

No, it's not about that at all! I was actually inspired by the Vietnam War when I wrote this.

JOHN

Interesting...

GEORGE HARRISON

Get on with it then.

PAUL

Okay, okay.

Paul sits up and gets ready to play. George Martin puts on his headphones in the booth.

GEORGE MARTIN

"Scrambled Eggs," take one.

Paul begins to strum the tune of the Beatles' song "Yesterday." The lyrics he sings, however, are definitely not "Yesterday."

PAUL

(singing)

Scrambled eggs/Oh baby how I love your legs/And when I sit and eat my scrambled eggs/I look at you/And see your legs

The other Beatles and George Martin look at each other in shock and disbelief. Paul continues.

PAUL

Suddenly/There are scrambled eggs in front of me--

GEORGE MARTIN

Alright, let's cut it right there.

Paul stops playing.

PAUL

What's the problem, George? Is the microphone picking up background?

He turns and glares at the other three Beatles.

GEORGE MARTIN

No, it's just that--

JOHN

The song is shit, mate.

PAUL

(shocked)

What?

GEORGE HARRISON

Absolute shit.

PAUL

You're joking. Ringo?

Ringo slowly gives Paul two thumbs way down.

PAUL

(extremely upset)

Ringo, no!

Ring, with both thumbs still down, shakes his head in disapproval.

PAUL

Ringo, why?!

He turns to face all of his bandmates.

PAUL

C'mon, fellas, I've only sung one verse. At least let me get through the whole song!

JOHN

Does it at least pick up from here?

PAUL

It does!

JOHN

Finish your song.

Paul smiles and starts to set back up.

PAUL

(extremely smug)

Oh, and keep your ears open for any possible socio-political metaphors I might have peppered in the next few verses.

There is no reaction from anyone as Paul continues to grin like a douche.

GEORGE MARTIN

Let's take it from the second verse. "Scrambled Eggs," take two.

Paul starts playing again, picking up where he left off.

PAUL

Suddenly/There are scrambled eggs in front of me/Obscuring view of legs I'd see/If these eggs weren't in front of me

Everyone is rolling their eyes out of control. Paul doesn't notice as he takes the song to the bridge.

PAUL

Who served these eggs to me?/I don't know, I didn't see/Whose are those legs I see?/I don't know, they weren't of me-e-e-e/Scrambled eggs--

GEORGE MARTIN

(so done with this)

Cut it there.

PAUL

(innocently)

What's the problem? Did I hit a stray note on me guitar?

GEORGE HARRISON

(pissed)

It's the song, mate. It's bollocks!

PAUL

(hurt)

What?!

George H., John, and Ringo walk over to Paul and surround him.

PAUL

You all are being pretty close-minded about this one.

John reaches for the lyrics sheet.

JOHN

Let me read the rest of this.

He grabs the sheet just before Paul can snatch it himself. He reads the lyrics.

JOHN

It just goes on like that! "Eggs, legs, eggs, legs." Are you mental?

PAUL

Hey, just because you lot are too daft to understand the meaning of my song--

GEORGE HARRISON

What's there to get? It's nonsense!

GEORGE MARTIN

(calmly)

If I could be an objective voice in the room...

PAUL

Yes, George, please.

A beat. George collects himself. Then:

GEORGE MARTIN

The song sucks dog dick.

PAUL

What?!

Paul faces Ringo, who has yet to react.

PAUL

Ringo?

A beat. Ringo slowly frowns at Paul.

PAUL

(extremely upset)

Ringo, no! Ringo, why?!

JOHN

Come on, then, the tune is okay. If we get some better words to it--

PAUL

(reluctantly)

I do have some alternate lyrics...

JOHN

Yeah, then let's see those.

Paul reluctantly pulls a folded lyrics sheet out of his pants pocket and hands it to John. John unfolds it as he and George H. read over it. Ringo stares off into the distance.

JOHN

(reading)

"Yesterday..."

GEORGE HARRISON

Okay, these are passable.

JOHN

Slightly less terrible than "Eggs My Legs" or whatever.

PAUL

(correcting him)

"Scrambled Eggs."

JOHN

"Scrabble Legs" or whatever--

PAUL

SCRAMBLED. EGGS.

JOHN

Yeah, that. Let's use these instead.

He hands the sheet back to Paul, who snatches it out of his hand.

PAUL

You know, I don't think you all are getting the metaphorical value of the lyrics to "Scrambled Eggs."

John and George H. are dumbfounded.

GEORGE HARRISON

We're all ears, Paul.

JOHN

Yeah, spell it out for us, professor. What is the social commentary meant behind "Scrambled eggs, oh baby how I love those legs"?

PAUL

I'm glad you finally asked, I've been dying to share. Let's start from the beginning. "Scrambled eggs." Eggs. Birth. Born. Child. BUT... scrambled? Ah, now it gets interesting.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

INT. RECORDING STUDIO - Later

VOICE OVER

FOUR. HOURS. LATER.

Everyone looks so bored at this point like they could pass out at any second. Meanwhile, Paul is rolling.

PAUL

That's what Hitler was trying to say! Half the time, they ARE just eggs! BUT, if you look at the Jews through the scope of the egg ratio, a legs-worth will otherwise--

JOHN

Alright, enough!

Paul reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of papers.

PAUL

I've actually prepared a few brochures to help you all understand--

George H. knocks the papers out of Paul's hand.

GEORGE HARRISON

We get it, mate! We ain't a Hitler Youth group, save your propaganda for your own time!

PAUL

If you would just read the pamphlets, I'm sure--

JOHN

Hey! Save it for Nuremberg, Goebbels, we got an album to record! Just do the song and be done with it, then you can practice all the hate speech you want out in the streets!

PAUL

It's not really hate speech so much as it's a new way of--

JOHN

Don't care! Do the bloody tune!

PAUL

Okay, okay. Which version shall I do?

JOHN

"Yesterday"--

PAUL

(flatly)

No.

Everyone glares at Paul.

PAUL

Okay, I can tell everyone is tired. I'll do the bleedin' song with the "Yesterday" lyrics.

Everyone is very relieved by this declaration.

GEORGE HARRISON

Thank God!

PAUL

ON ONE CONDITION!

Everyone immediately looks horrified as Paul makes his demands.

PAUL

For the rest of the band's existence, any out-and-out retarded idea I have goes. And believe me, if today is any indication, which it is, I have plenty of terrible ideas.

JOHN

Such as?

Paul counts his bad ideas off on his fingers as he names them.

PAUL

(smugly)

I've an idea for a concept album about a crazy carnival, an idea for a condescending ska song that might be the worst song ever recorded, I want to name that song "Ob La Di, Ob La Da" and say that several times in the song itself, I want to write roughly a million songs that would sound better if recorded in 1925--

GEORGE HARRISON

Fuckin' hell, you got a lot of bad ideas!

PAUL

AND I want to be referred to as "the Walrus." But ONLY after it's been established that John is the Walrus so that people will think it's cool and then I'll swoop in and ride that wave.

JOHN

You are insane.

Paul begins grinning with wide-eyed glee. John looks creeped out.

GEORGE MARTIN

Boys, I hate to be pushy, but it's four in the morning. If we're going to do this, let's do it already.

JOHN

God. It's up to Ringo. Let Ringo decide.

GEORGE HARRISON

Sure, let Ringo decide.

All eyes on Ringo. Ringo exhales deeply. He nods in exasperation and makes a relenting gesture with his hand to show he'll go along with the idea. Paul grins.

PAUL

Alright, let's record this ditty!

Everyone returns to their area of the studio as Paul gets ready to record his song.

GEORGE MARTIN

What's the new title again, Paul?

PAUL

"Yesterday," George.

GEORGE MARTIN

"Yesterday," take one. And rolling!

Paul begins to play.

PAUL

(singing)

Yesterday...

BLACK OUT.

Hollywood Hoagies

2008-07-29T15:10:00.002-04:00

Another bizarre idea. If you don't get it after reading it, don't worry because there's an explanation into what the hell I was going for.

INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO

Generic game show studio set up like a cross between "Match Game" and "Hollywood Squares." A panel of six thousand celebrities sit on a huge grid on one side of the room while the host and two contestants stand behind their podiums on the other side. The camera pans over the packed studio of hundreds of audience members a la "The Price is Right."

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Welcome back to...

Graphic logo for "Hollywood Hoagies" appears on screen.

AUDIENCE

Hollywood! Hoagies!

The camera whips back around to the host, Mark Billings, and the two contestants, slowly zooming to a tighter shot.

MARK BILLINGS

That's right! I'm Mark Billings and we're back for round two of today's game. After round one, it looks like competition is heating up! Let's just get right back into it.

He turns to the first contestant, Jeffrey.

MARK BILLINGS

Jeffrey, you're up! Choose your celebrity!

Jeffrey straightens up at his podium and contemplates his choice. After a second's thought:

JEFFREY

Gilbert Gottried.

Mark immediately turns to face the celebrity panel.

MARK BILLINGS

(unhealthy amount of enthusiasm)

Gilbert Gottfried, where are ya?!

The camera focused on the celebrity panel quickly zooms in on Gilbert Gottfried, who waves to the applauding audience.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED

I'm ready to play, Mark!

MARK BILLINGS

Alright, Gilbert, then let's just dive right in!

Mark turns to the audience.

MARK BILLINGS

(expectantly)

Audience?

AUDIENCE

Hollywood! Hoagies!

The audience applauds wildly as Gilbert Gottfried lifts a hoagie from his podium in the panel and starts to eat it. He's in no hurry, he may as well be eating at home. He occasionally reaches for the mug on his podium and takes a sip. The audience applauds at random intervals for seemingly no reason. After about forty seconds of watching him eat:

MARK BILLINGS

Alright, Sarah, it's your turn!

The other contestant, Sarah, looks over the celebrity panel.

SARAH

(confidently)

Caroline Rhea.

Mark whips around to face the panel with complete disregard for human life.

MARK BILLINGS

Sweet Caroline!

Just as before, the camera zooms in on Caroline Rhea at her podium.

CAROLINE RHEA

Here I am!

MARK BILLINGS

And here we go! You know what to do, audience!

AUDIENCE

Hollywood! Hoagies!

Caroline Rhea lifts her hoagie and starts in on it just like Gilbert Gottfried did: no rush, just munching on it and occasionally taking a sip from her drink. The audience reaction is similar, they applaud and cheer at random. After about thirty seconds of this:

MARK BILLINGS

Let's check back in with Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert?

Gilbert is about halfway through his hoagie by now. He waves and gives a thumbs up to the camera as he continues to munch away.

MARK BILLINGS

(chuckling)

Well, he's certainly enjoying himself.

Mark turns to face the camera.

MARK BILLINGS

As you can see, it's another game of Hollywood Hoagies. Stay tuned for round three right after these commercials!

The audience applauds loudly as the camera sweeps over them and the panel of celebrities. Upbeat theme music plays.

FADE OUT.

The "joke," if you can call it that, is that there's no game. It's literally just celebrities eating sandwiches in some sort of game show format but with no scoring.

They smooch quickly.

2008-07-26T02:14:00.003-04:00

It's getting better. The writing is starting to catch back up to the ideas. What a fun, sexy time for me. Also, "They smooch quickly" would be a great name for a band.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Young couple in love (FRED and AMY) walk down the street arm-in-arm. It's obvious from their body language that they're in love as they clamor all over each other on the way down the sidewalk. It is really nauseating. They come upon a section of the sidewalk that has beenblocked off. A sign reads "WET CEMENT."

AMY

Oh, wet cement! You know what we should do?

Fred

What's that?

AMY

(very childish mode of speech)

We should write our names in it in a heart and it should say "Fred and Amy FOREVER" and that way our love will go on forever!

Fred smiles.

FRED

I love it! And I love YOU!

AMY

Aw, I love YOU!

They smooch quickly. Fred looks around to make sure no one is looking and sneaks past the tape surrounding the wet cement. Amy looks on in glee from outside of the blocked area as Fred kneels down to the wet cement. He looks up at her and smiles before getting into it. Tight shot peeking over Fred's shoulder and onto his finger as he writes:

FRED

"Fred...and...Amy...FOREVE--"

Just before he can finish, Fred is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot and blood splattering from Amy's direction all over the wet cement and Fred's hand.

BLACKOUT.

Listless

2008-07-21T07:03:00.003-04:00

Really dumb. Not going to try to defend it. Just dumb. Content-wise, I think it turned out well. The premise is just plain stupid, though. Oh well. I think this would be a lot be if seen, it would play better than it does on the page.

INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Santa Claus sits on his couch watching television. The house is just your average house, not adorned with a bunch of Christmas decorations or anything. Santa is watching some generic crap, like "MAURY" or "TYRA." He checks his watch and is surprised by the time. He takes a breath, sits up, and turns off the television. He stands and leaves the room.

CUT TO:

INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - bedroom

Santa sits on his bed and tries to pull his red Santa pants on. He only has on a wife-beater undershirt and boxers at this point. He's struggling with the pants due to his horrendous weight problem. He has to stop at one point due to his frustration and take a deep breath before getting back into it. He wipes the sweat from his brow.

CUT TO:

INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR

Santa has his outfit on (pants, jacket, hat). He just needs his boots at this point. He steadies himself with his hand against the door as he bends over and picks up his right boot. He leans against the adjacent wall and tries to put the boot on without sitting or crouching. He loses his balance a few times as he tries (unsuccessfully) to put his foot in the boot. He does finally slip his foot into the top part of the boot. He struggles a lot to get the boot completely on, losing his balance a few times. He gets increasingly frustrated but manages to stay patient with himself.

CUT TO:

EXT. SANTA'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY

Santa sits in his station wagon in the driveway of his house. He lives in a typical residential area. He looks over his shoulder to back out. His street is a little busy today. There is a yard sale going on across the street, several cars are parked on the street and blocking his view of possible traffic. He slowly backs out of his driveway. He stops short as a car zooms by. He lays on the horn and glares at the car as it passes out of sight. He resumes his descent out of the driveway.

CUT TO:

EXT. SANTA'S STREET

Santa sits at the stop sign at the end of his street. There is an unbelievable amount of traffic on the main road in front of him. The street is packed with cars barely even moving. He starts to inch out into the nearest lane. The car he is cutting off just barely lets him in. He avoids eye contact with them. We can see that the other driver is very upset with Santa, animatedly (and inaudibly) swearing at him from their car. Santa sits in his car as traffic slowly eases forward. He looks out his window and can see his destination literally around the corner: the grocery store. His disposition quickly sours due to the ridiculous traffic. He leans out his window to look ahead and see what the hold up is. He quickly spots an ambulance and several police cars some thirty yards ahead of him. He looks confused until he spots a person's arm laying in a pool of blood as it peeks out from a spot in the traffic. Santa immediately collects himself, he is very ashamed at his behavior. He rolls up his window and turns on the radio. He is immediately audibly assaulted by the most obnoxious FM radio disc jockey ever.

RADIO D.J. (O.S.)

(with way too much energy)

--like a fart in a Mr. Bucket! I'm gonna spew outta mah dong hole! Hey, Mr. Clinton, is that a poop stain on your undies?!

A Bill Clinton soundbyte plays.

BILL CLINTON

It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is--

Santa angrily shuts off the radio and sits in silence. Several seconds pass. Santa only sits and shakes his head.

CUT TO:

EXT. STORE PARKING LOT

Santa's car pulls into the parking lot of the grocery store. The place is basically packed, he has to park towards the back of the lot. He gets out of his car and just stares at the long walk ahead of him. Just then, a stray shopping cart rolls into his bumper, scratching the paint. Santa can only slump his shoulders in defeat.

CUT TO:

INT. GROCERY STORE

Santa walks through the grocery store pushing an empty shopping cart. He is in the produce section. He whistles a few bars of "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN" quietly to himself as he checks his pockets. He starts to sing quietly.

SANTA

(quietly)

He's making a list/He's checking it...

He abruptly stops singing as he realizes that his pockets are empty. He pads himself down as he searches for what should be in his pocket.

SANTA

Twice...

He doesn't have anything on him. He's forgotten his grocery list. He drops his arms in defeat.

SANTA

(upset)

You've got to be...

Santa exhales long and hard. He can only shake his head at himself. He leaves his cart sitting where it is and walks out of frame.

FADE OUT.

This one sucks.

2008-07-15T12:14:00.003-04:00

This belongs on SNL. And when I say that, I mean it's very traditional and stupid. At least it's not long, though. So it's got that going for it. Hey, they're not all winners.

INT. KING SOLOMON'S COURT - DAY

King Solomon presides over a dispute between two women. A baby lays in a basket on a table between them.

KING SOLOMON

Simply cut the baby in two and give half to either woman. Problem solved!

WOMAN #1

(apathetic)

Sounds good to me.

WOMAN #2

(panicked)

No! She can have the child! Just don't cut it in two!

As the nearby court guards go to take the baby to Woman #1, they are interrupted by King Solomon.

KING SOLOMON\

Ah-ha! The child's true mother would care more about the child's well-being.

He points at Woman #2.

KING SOLOMON

THIS is the child's real mother! She shall have the child! Next case!

The guard award the baby to Woman #2 and lead both women out of the court. Woman #2 looks so happy, Woman #1 couldn't care less. As they exit, two average-looking merchants are led into the court by another guard.

GUARD

Your majesty, I present the case of Edward of Hampshire versus Marcus of Walton.

KING SOLOMON

Thank you, guard. Gentlemen, what is your dispute?

Edward steps forward to plead his case.

EDWARD

Your majesty, I run a laundry service in town. I dry-clean men's pants for a reasonable fee. Yesterday, this gentleman entered my shop asking for me to wash his men's pants in addition to dry-cleaning them. I do not provide this service yet he insists that I do it anyway.

Marcus steps in.

MARCUS

He is the only cleaner of any kind in town, he should have to provide total service or none at all!

King Solomon laughs smugly.

KING SOLOMON

This is simple: cut his pants in half.

Marcus and Edward look dumbfounded.

MARCUS

What?

KING SOLOMON

Cut the pants in two. Dry-clean one half, moisten the other.

EDWARD

(confused)

Oh, you mean just clean half of his pants...? Or, like, really cutting them?

KING SOLOMON

I believe I've been very clear. Bring on the next case!

The court guard comes and escorts Marcus an Edward out.

MARCUS

(to Edward)

So wait, what do we do?

EDWARD

Something about pants, I think...

MARCUS

(irritated)

We're IN HERE because of pants, of course it's about pants.

EDWARD

Do what?

They exit. The guard re-enters.

GUARD

Your Highness, there are no more cases this day.

KING SOLOMON

Excellent. I believe it's time for dinner then. Bring me my supper.

GUARD

Very good, sir.

The guard turns and yells out into the nearby hall.

GUARD

(yelling)

Retrieve His Majesty's supper!

A servant comes running in and whispers something to the guard before disappearing again. The guard turns to face King Solomon again.

GUARD

Your Majesty, it has come to my attention that we have different options for supper. We have duck ready to be prepared for you, the only question is how would you like it prepared? We can roast the duck, broil it, bake it--

King Solomon's ears prick up. He's in his element.

KING SOLOMON

(extremely confident)

Cut it in half.

GUARD

I'm sorry?

KING SOLOMON

Do you dare question the decision of King Solomon?

GUARD

Absolutely not, Sire. It's just... Cut it in half? Nothing more?

KING SOLOMON

At once!

GUARD

(confused)\

Alright...

He heads out of the room. He re-enters seconds later with a man in a white lab coat and stethoscope.

GUARD

(announcing)

Doctor Alexander of Sashareth.

KING SOLOMON

Ah, my personal physician. What brings you here today?

The guard exits. Doctor Alexander tenderly walks forward.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

(uneasy)

Sire, after careful analysis of the results of this month's check-up... There's no easy way to say this... You have crotch rot.

KING SOLOMON

I see.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

Now, there are a few things we can do to remedy the situation, though none will be easy with such a tender area. What we can do is--

KING SOLOMON

(extremely boisterous)

Cut it in half!

Doctor Alexander considers King Solomons idiotic suggestion for a moment, then:

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

Your Majesty, I hate to second-guess you, but that is your answer to literally everything. Don't you want to consider an alternative method of--

KING SOLOMON

(smug)

If it ain't broke, don't cut it in half.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

That really doesn't make any sense.

KING SOLOMON

(defensive)

Whoa, maybe you don't quite get what I'm saying, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater without first cutting it in half.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

What?

KING SOLOMON

Let me speak in simpler terms. Let's say you have a problem.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

(playing along)

Okay.

KING SOLOMON

Cut it in half.

King Solomon looks at the doctor like he's saying the most obvious thing in the world, it doesn't get much simpler than this.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

(resigned)

Right... So, when should we cut "it" in half?

KING SOLOMON\

At once.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

And you're sure you don't want to consider any alternative methods?

KING SOLOMON

Absolutely not.

The doctor leads King Solomon out of the room. As they exit, they pass the guard entering back into the room with a duck that's been cut in half. It still has all its feathers and everything, it sits in a bowl of its own blood and filth.

GUARD

But Sire, your dinner!

CUT TO:

INT. KING SOLOMON'S COURT - DAY

"ONE WEEK LATER." King Solomon sits on his throne looking out a window. He faces away from the camera. His guard enters.

GUARD

Sire, it is now 7 o'clock and time for your supper. We have chicken today, how would you like it prepared?

King Solomon turns to face the guard. He has a large bandage over his crotch.

KING SOLOMON

(in an extremely high-pitched voice)

Let me think about it!

GUARD

Very good, Sire.

The guard exits. King Solomon thinks deeply about how he wants his chicken prepared.

FADE OUT.

On A Bicycle Built For Two

2008-07-13T00:11:00.002-04:00

I never feel like the hilarity of visual jokes comes across in sketches. This is another one of those whose joke is entirely visual. Just picturing a bicycle built for two careening down... well, I won't spoil it (in case someone actually reads this). I guess this one is sort of like an SNL Digital Short in that there aren't any jokes until the very end. This one probably would work better in a movie or television show, but I still think it's funny on its own. Hey, have fun reading it!

EXT. SARAH'S HOME - NIGHT

Evan arrives at Sarah's home dressed in a suit and tie and holding flowers. He rings the doorbell. After a moment, Sarah answers the door in a nice dress. She smiles as she answers.

SARAH

Evan, right?

EVAN

That's right. Sarah?

SARAH

That's me.

Evan hands over the flowers. Sarah takes them and smells them.

EVAN

These are for you.

SARAH

Oh, thank you so much, you shouldn't have.

EVAN

It was nothing.

SARAH

You know, I was a little skeptical about this whole "blind date" thing, but you're off to a great start, mister!

They both chuckle. Evan offers his arm to her.

EVAN

Shall we?

SARAH

(impressed)

Oh my, a true gentleman!

EVAN

Yes, ma'am.

She takes his arm and they walk down to the car.

Fade to:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Sarah and Evan enjoy dinner at an upscale, five-star restaurant. They chat inaudibly. Classical string music plays softly in the background combined with ambient restaurant noise. They are both smiling and laughing a lot, they are having a great time. The music continues as they finish their meal. Evan stands and helps Sarah out of her seat. They exit the restaurant.

Fade to:

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Sarah and Evan walk through the park arm-in-arm. Both are smiling. It's obvious from their body language that they both have taken a liking to one another.

SARAH

You know, I have to say... This has really been the perfect evening.

EVAN

I feel the same way.

They turn and smile at each other and share a small kiss before continuing on, holding each other slightly closer now. They quickly come across a man in the park running a bicycle rental station. He has both regular bikes and bicycles built for two.

SARAH

Oh, look! Bicycles built for two!

EVAN

You want to go for a ride?

SARAH

Oh, that would be so romantic!

EVAN

Then let's go.

They approach the station.

Cut to:

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Sarah and Evan now ride through the park on the bicycle built for two. Evan is steering. He's having a little trouble with it, the bike is wobbling all over the place. Both Sarah and Evan are laughing and having fun. As they ride, we can see that they are getting pretty close to the nearby city streets.

EVAN

Who knew this would be so hard?

SARAH

I've never ridden one of these before, this is crazy!

Evan, still having trouble with steering the bike, has basically lost control at this point. The bike is very clearly heading for the nearby four-lane street. Sarah sees this and looks half-concerned, half-amused.

SARAH

(nervous)

Ha, we better not get too far over there!

Evan is struggling hardcore at this point.

EVAN

Gah, lemme just...

Evan has lost control. The bike is definitely headed for the road as they get closer and closer to it.

SARAH

Evan, please!

EVAN

Oh no!

The bicycle rides over the sidewalk, off the curb, and into the street. Evan manically tries to steer the bike across the street as oncoming traffic swerves around him. Sarah is full-on screaming at this point and pedaling for her life.

SARAH

OH MY GOD!

Evan continues to steer, Sarah continues to scream and pedal, cars continues to screech, swerve, and honk. After a good ten seconds of out-and-out panic, they actually somehow manage to make it all the way across the street without getting hit.

SARAH

(panic/fear)

Oh my God!

Sarah's screaming dies down as she realizes that they're safe.

SARAH

(slowly realizing)

Oh my... God... We made it! HAHA, we made it!

Evan breathes a deep sigh of relief. The bicycle continues on.

EVAN

Oh wow, that was unbelievable.

He turns his head to check on Sarah.

EVAN

Are you okay--

The bicycle suddenly, and unforeseen by anyone, heads down the entry to a subway station on a loud and violently bumpy descent. We only see Evan and Sarah disappear into the station on their bicycle built for two.

Fade to black.

The End.

Please, I'm a born-again Christian!

2008-07-06T09:45:00.002-04:00

I have been working on a screenplay, that's why this crappy blog wasn't updated for so long. Sorry. Wrote this yesterday. I probably could have made it longer, but I'd rather get to the point and be done with it, otherwise it goes from a 6-page sketch into a 20-page short film.

INT. FRAT HOUSE

Jeff, Mark, and Steve sit around drinking beer and watching television. A few empty cans lay by Jeff and Mark. Steve, on the other hand, has gone through more than what both of his friends have drank combined and is severely trashed. He turns to his friends.

STEVE

Dudes... What is going on?

JEFF

Uh, hey, Steve. What's up?

STEVE

You guys, ask me anything.

Jeff and Mark exchange glances, they aren't really sure what's going on here.

MARK

Like what?

STEVE

ANYTHING, bro. Hit me with it.

Jeff and Mark still don't really know what's going on.

STEVE

COME ON. I wanna gab!

MARK

Alright... Um, well...

He can't think of anything. He just looks at Jeff, who shrugs back.

MARK

What'd you get in Biology this semester?

STEVE

Bah, come on! Something good! Hell, you guys already know the answer to that one: I failed!

MARK

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

STEVE

C'mon, Jeff. You ask.

JEFF

Okay... Hmm. When is the last time you talked to a woman?

STEVE

(no hesitation, very smug)

Three hours ago. Mom's b-day, I gave her a call.

JEFF

I meant like a non-family--

STEVE

Don't you guys want to know anything besides this trivial b.s.? Ask me ANYTHING, bros!

Jeff and Mark really don't want to play anymore. Jeff picks up a beer and hands it to Steve.

JEFF

Why don't you have another beer and pass out, Steve?

Steve hesitates.

STEVE

Only if you ask me something for real.

Jeff laments.

JEFF

Okay... Who's gonna win the election?

Steve smiles and takes the beer.

STEVE

Alright, now we're talkin'. The president... will... be...

He cracks open the beer.

STEVE

Dennis muthafuckin' Kucinich.

Jeff and Mark just look at Steve completely dumbfounded.

MARK

What.

STEVE

Heard it here first, bro. C'mon, hit me again.

MARK

Yeah. How about when are you going to lose your virginity, Professor?

STEVE

How about tomorrow, ass. To yo mama!

Mark clearly didn't care for that remark, he tries to fight Steve. Jeff steps in.

JEFF

Alright, let's take it easy.

STEVE

Yeah, I'll take it easy. On Mark's mom when I'm riding her bareback down the stairs tomorrow night!

Mark tries to attack Steve again but is held back by Jeff.

JEFF

EASY! How about one more "prediction," huh? Something neutral so no one gets pissed off?

STEVE

Sure. Let me drop this bomb on you.

Steve turns deadly serious.

STEVE

Tonight, while we're all sleeping, Spain will invade Portugal. Within two weeks, we will be ensconced in World War Three.

Mark and Jeff are speechless. Steve notices.

STEVE

(emphatic)

World. War. Three.

JEFF

Okay... I'm going to go to bed.

MARK

Me, too. See ya, Steve.

Steve pays no mind to them, he turns his attention back to the television.

STEVE

Sure. Later, guys.

Mark and Jeff head out of the room and down the hall to where Steve can no longer hear them.

MARK

What the hell?

JEFF

He's drunk, forget it.

MARK

I guess. He's just a different person when he drinks. It's like he thinks he has to impress us.

JEFF

Dude, forget it. World War Three is in two weeks, we'll all be too dead to care!

MARK

Yeah, right! HAHA!

JEFF

HAHAHA!

They head to their rooms, still laughing.

Fade out.

Fade In:

EXT. NORMANDY - DAY

"THREE WEEKS LATER." Steve, Mark, and Jeff sit in their army uniforms on a naval ship drifting towards Normandy beach. This sit amongst another thirty men in uniform.

MARK

Goddamn President Kucinich...

STEVE

Hey, don't say I didn't tell you.

JEFF

Shut up, Steve.

STEVE

Hey, on the bright side, at least I'm not gonna die a virgin! Right, Mark?!

MARK

Shut up, Steve.

The men sit in silence for a few seconds. Then:

JEFF

(realizing)

Wait, maybe we won't die. I mean, Steve predicted all that other stuff. Look into the future again, how does this end?

STEVE

I dunno, I can only do that when I'm really drunk. Too bad I don't drink anymore. You all should have asked me more that night when I was trashed.

JEFF

(thoughtfully)

The night when you were trashed...

Cut to:

EXT. NORMANDY - DAY

"FIVE MINUTES LATER." Establishing shot of the exterior of the ship. We only hear the waves crashing against the boat. Quick cut into the actual ship. Mark and Jeff hold Steve up as he attempts to do a keg stand against his will while the other men on the boat cheer him on.

MARK

Chug it!

STEVE

(crying)

I don't want to, I don't like this!

JEFF

We need to know the future! CHUG!

STEVE

(still crying)

Please, I'm a born-again Christian!

The other soldiers begin chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Steve tearfully tries to drink any of the beer. Just then, the ship they are in runs ashore. It opens unexpectedly and all of the men inside, including those participating in a certain keg stand, are mowed down by enemy machine guns within 5 seconds. Their bodies crumple to the floor.

The End.

Now you can give a shit without giving a shit!

2008-05-01T19:43:00.001-04:00

This is like a Kids In The Hall sketch but with bad words.

GIVE A SHIT

INT. DINER/CAFE
JAMES AND ERICA SIT HAVING LUNCH AT A CAFE. JAMES SITS WITH HIS HEAD RESTING ON HIS HAND, HE’S CLEARLY HAVING TROUBLE STAYING AWAKE AS ERICA PRATTLES ON.

ERICA
So I say to the guy, “Hey, listen, buddy, I am an American! You don’t talk to me like that!” And so he says...

ERICA CONTINUES UNDER THE VOICEOVER.

VOICEOVER
Tired of feigning interest in boring conversations?

JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND NODS.

VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
Then have we got a product for you. Care, Co. proudly presents: “Give A Shit”!

A BUCKET MARKED “GIVE A SHIT” MAGICALLY APPEARS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF JAMES.

VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
Now you can give a shit without giving a shit!

JAMES PUTS ON A GLOVE, SCOOPS A HANDFUL OF SHIT FROM THE BUCKET, AND SMEARS IT ONTO ERICA’S MOUTH AND FACE. ERICA LOOKS UP AT HIM AND SMILES.

ERICA
You are such a good listener!

JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.

VOICEOVER
We at Care, Co. know it’s hard to care about EVERYTHING. That’s why we’ve diversified “Give A Shit” tenfold!

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM
JAMES SITS IN CLASS TAKING A TEST. HE TAPS HIS PENCIL IN BOREDOM, NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE TEST. A BUCKET OF “GIVE A SHIT” SHIT MAGICALLY APPEARS ON HIS DESK.

VOICEOVER
In the classroom!

JAMES PUTS ON HIS GLOVE, SCOOPS SOME SHIT, AND SMEARS IT ON HIS TEST. HIS TEACHER WALKS UP, TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIS TEST, AND WRITES “A+” AT THE TOP OF THE PAPER. JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.

CUT TO:

INT. COFERENCE ROOM

JAMES SITS AT A CONFERENCE TABLE SURROUNDED BY BUSINESSMEN. A MAN STANDS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE GIVING A PRESENTATION WITH PIE CHART DISPLAYS NEARBY. JAMES STRUGGLES TO STAY AWAKE.

VOICEOVER
At work!

THE “GIVE A SHIT” BUCKET APPEARS IN FRONT OF JAMES. HE DUMPS IT OUT ON THE TABLE AND THROWS A HANDFUL AT THE MAN GIVING THE PRESENTATION, WHICH HITS HIM IN THE FACE. HE TURNS TO JAMES WITH A BIG GRIN AND GIVES JAMES AN ENTHUSIASTIC THUMBS UP. JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM
JAMES SITS ON THE COUCH IN HIS HOUSE EATING PIZZA AND WATCHING FOOTBALL. A BABY SQUIRMS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO HIM, CRYING LOUDLY. JAMES TAKES THE BABY AND UNDOES ITS DIAPER TO FIND THAT THE BABY HAS POOPED ITSELF.

VOICEOVER
Even with the kids!

THE “GIVE A SHIT” BUCKET APPEARS ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF JAMES. JAMES GRABS A HANDFUL FROM THE BUCKET AND RUBS IT INTO THE DIRTY DIAPER, THUS TRIPLING THE AMOUNT OF FECES NOW IN THE DIAPER. THE BABY IMMEDIATELY CHEERS UP. JAMES SMILES AND RUBS THE BABY’S HEAD WITH HIS NON-POOP COVERED HAND. HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN
CLOSE SHOT OF 3 BUCKETS OF “GIVE A SHIT” ON A KITCHEN TABLE: SMALL, MEDIUM, AND LARGE.

VOICEOVER
That’s “Give A Shit”, from Care, Co. And for a limited time only, each bucket of “Give A Shit” purchased comes with a free sample of “Give A Hoot,” also by Care, Co.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM
JAMES AND HIS FRIEND, BILLY, SIT ON THE COUCH PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

BILLY
So I dunno what I’m gonna do, man. Those DVD’s are due back tomorrow, but I kinda want to watch “Con Air” again.

JAMES SIGHS AND GLANCES UP FROM THE TV TO AN AREA OFF SCREEN, NODDING ONCE AND MOTIONING TOWARDS BILLY. AN OWL SWOOPS DOWN AND SCREAMS LOUDLY AS IT SNATCHES BILLY UP FROM HIS SEAT AND FLIES AWAY WITH BILLY SCREAMING IN HORROR. JAMES SIGHS IN RELIEF AND SMILES. HE LOOKS UP TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG GRIN AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.

JAMES
Thanks, Care, Co.!

OUT.

2008-04-14T23:51:00.002-04:00

Probably helps if you've seen this awful commercial:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WgxRg3pnBWo

BUD LIGHT

EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - DAY

A CROWD IS GATHERED AROUND GROUND ZERO. EVERYONE LOOKS SOMBER, JUST TAKING IT ALL IN. THE CAMERA PANS OVER THE CROWD TO TWO BROSEPHS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK. THEY’RE ALL DANE COOK’D OUT: UNSHAVED, SPIKY HAIR, PRE-FADED AND PRE-TORN JEANS, ETC. THEY LOOK REALLY BORED.

BRO #1

Man, I’m bored.

BRO #2

Tell me about it, brah.

BRO #1

Bud Light?

HE PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF BUD LIGHT FROM BELOW CAMERA LEVEL AND OFFERS IT TO HIS BRO.

BRO #2

Hell yea! Good thinkin’, bro!

BRO #1 HANDS BRO #2 A BEER AND THEN PULLS OUT ONE OF HIS OWN.

BRO #1

Cheers, brah!

THEY TOAST THEMSELVES, CLINKING THEIR BOTTLES TOGETHER. THEY TURN AND SEE THAT THE WHOLE CROWD IS GLARING AT THEM.

BRO #2

What?

QUICK CUT TO CAMERA ANGLE WHERE THE TWO BOTTLE OF BUD LIGHT HELD NEXT TO EACH OTHER WITH THE SMOKY, COLD AIR COMING OUT THE BOTTLES MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE THE TWIN TOWERS. THE TWO BROS EXCHANGE GLANCES AND SHRUG LIKE “WHUPS.” CUT TO TYPICAL IMAGE OF BEER BOTTLES FLYING THROUGH ICE AND AIR.

VOICEOVER

Bud Light. F*** YEA!

CUT BACK TO ANOTHER BRO IN THE CROWD. HE LOOKS AT THE OTHER BROS AND HOLDS UP A STATUE OF LIBERTY NOVELTY MINI-STATUE. HE UNSCREWS THE HEAD.

BRO #3

First time at Ground Zero, boys?

HE TAKES A LARGE GULP FROM HIS STATUE FLASK.

BRO #3 (CONT'D)

(exaggerated yelling)

Woo, there’s beer in here!

BRO #2

Woo!

BRO #1

F*** YEAH!

THE END

Struttin' Around The Room Like A Pigeon

2008-04-06T22:14:00.004-04:00

Short, sweet, and borderline retarded.

FROM THE DISNEY VAULT: A SCENE FROM THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT TO ALADDIN

INT. SULTAN’S PALACE

IT’S THE SCENE NEAR THE END OF ALADDIN WHERE JAFAR IS SULTAN AND JASMINE IS HIS SLAVE. BASICALLY THIS SCENE UNTIL 0:10:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Dm6DLXkPFM

THEN:

ALADDIN

Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?

JAFAR WALKS THROUGH THE RING OF FIRE SURROUNDING ALADDIN. HE LOOKS VERY MENACING. HE STARES ALADDIN DOWN.

JAFAR

A snake, am I? Perhaps you’d like to see how ssssssnake-like I can be...

JAFAR TRANSFORMS INTO A FLUFFY WHITE COCKATIEL AND STARTS FLAPPING AROUND THE ROOM. ALADDIN LOOKS EXTREMELY CONFUSED.

ALADDIN

What the-- you’re not a snake, you idiot, you’re a bird!

JAFAR DOESN’T HEAR HIM, HE’S STRUTTIN’ AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A PIGEON. THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL SECONDS AS ALADDIN JUST STANDS THERE WATCHING HIM.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END

Jeff Tiller, LS - Out (Mutilated Testicles)

2008-03-24T01:34:00.002-04:00

My favorite part is that they lost the one game 74-6 because they managed to score a touchdown but then punted on the extra point.

LIFE AFTER THE GAME

INT. SOUND STAGE
A PROFESSIONALLY-DRESSED MAN STANDS ALONE IN THE FOREGROUND OF A DARK, EMPTY SOUND STAGE. THE FOREGROUND IS LIT. THE MAN HOLDS A FOOTBALL.

MARK REYNOLDS
I’m Mark Reynolds and welcome to “Sports Stories.” Montana, Rice, Payton, Taylor, Sanders. Traditionally, the stars of the NFL are the ones in the position to make the most on-the-ball plays, whether it’s scoring...

REYNOLDS THROWS THE BALL TO HIMSELF LIKE HE’S CATCHING A PASS AND THEN STIFF-ARMS AN INVISIBLE DEFENDER.

MARK REYNOLDS (CONT'D)
...or preventing touchdowns.

REYNOLDS PRETENDS TO INTERCEPT A PASS. HE STOPS HIS GESTURING AND RETURNS TO ADDRESSING THE CAMERA.

MARK REYNOLDS (CONT'D)
But it hasn’t always been that way. There was a time when even the unsung heroes of today’s game were the face of the NFL. This is the story of James Moth...

REYNOLDS BENDS OVER WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA. HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

MARK REYNOLDS (CONT'D)
The greatest long snapper the league has ever known.

HE SNAPS THE BALL BETWEEN HIS LEGS AT THE CAMERA.

FADE TO:

MONTAGE OF PHOTOS
VARIOUS BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTOS OF JAMES MOTH, A 6’0” 295 POUND OFFENSIVE LINEMAN, CROSS THE SCREEN. MOTH IS DRESSED IN HIS FOOTBALL GARB. HE WEARS NUMBER 77. LOTS OF PICTURES OF HIM SITTING ON THE BENCH. HIS TEAMMATES ARE ABOUT 1/3 HIS SIZE.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
James Moth’s NFL career began in 1938 as a backup left guard for the New York Giants. Although enormous for the era, Moth lacked the coordination to start at guard. Moth would sit for his first three seasons until one fateful Sunday when his number was finally called.

CUT TO:

GAME FILM - MOTH IN ACTION
OLD GAME FOOTAGE OF MOTH’S FIRST GAME. THE GIANTS LINEUP TO PUNT. AN ANIMATED RED ARROW POINTS OUT MOTH AS THE SNAPPER.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
With normal snapper Jeff Tiller out with mutilated testicles, James Moth got his first taste of action in the NFL as the long snapper on punts. Moth did not disappoint.

INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS AS MOTH SNAPS THE BALL TO THE PUNTER, WHO PUNTS THE BALL AWAY.

CUT TO:

TALKING HEAD - FORMER TEAMMATE
ALEX REY, FORMER TEAMMATE OF JAMES MOTH.

ALEX REY
That first snap was incredible. He blew our minds. We knew James was special right off the bat, we had to involve him more in the offense.

CUT TO:

GAME FILM - MORE MOTH ACTION
REPLAY OF THE PREVIOUS CLIP.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
And involve him more, they did. The next week, the Giants took every snap from the punt formation, punting a record eighty-seven times.

FOOTAGE OF PUNT AFTER PUNT AFTER PUNT.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Though they lost 74 to 6, Giants coach Yes Mayberly knew he had something special in Moth.

CUT TO:

TALKING HEAD - YES MAYBERLY

YES MAYBERLY
Every snap was perfect. Every. Single. One. This guy was incredible, scientists could calibrate their telescopes to this guy’s snaps. That afternoon, God came to Earth and disguised Himself as James Moth.

HE NODS TO THE CAMERA.

CUT TO:

GAME FILM - MOTH IN ACTION CONTINUED
REPLAYS OF MOTH SNAPS THAT WE’VE ALREADY SEEN CONTINUE IN SLOW MOTION.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
For the Giants to improve, God would have to take an even bigger role in the offense. The next week, Moth became a utility player on offense and defense, playing every position on the field including referee and head cheerleader.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE - MOTH PLAYS EVERY POSITION

WHILE INTENSE “NFL FILMS” MUSIC PLAYS, QUICK CLIPS OF GAME FOOTAGE SHOW MOTH PLAYING EACH POSITION. EACH TIME, HE LINES UP IN THE PROPER PLACE BUT CROUCHES DOWN LIKE HE’S STILL A LONG SNAPPER:
-AS QUARTERBACK, MOTH STANDS IN THE SHOTGUN FORMATION FACING THE OFFENSIVE LINE LIKE HE’S GOING TO SNAP THE BALL BETWEEN HIS LEGS TO IT. THE BALL IS SNAPPED TO HIM. IT BOUNCES OFF HIS BUTT CHEEKS AND ROLLS AROUND ON THE FIELD AS THE DEFENSE CONVERGES.
-AS RUNNING BACK, MOTH LINES UP IN THE BACKFIELD, STILL IN LONG SNAPPER STANCE. THE QUARTERBACK TAKES THE SNAP AND HANDS THE BALL DOWN TO MOTH, WHO THEN HIKES IT BETWEEN HIS LEGS, LAUNCHING THE BALL 30 YARDS DOWN THE FIELD. IT PASSES OVER THE DEFENSE AND LANDS IN THE GRASS, JUST BOUNCING AROUND AS A REFEREE CHASES IT DOWN.
-AS CORNERBACK, HE LINES UP ACROSS FROM A WIDE RECEIVER. MOTH IS STILL IN HIS SNAPPER STANCE. THE PLAY STARTS AND THE RECEIVER EASILY JUKES AROUND MOTH, CATCHES A PASS, AND GOES EIGHTY YARDS FOR THE TOUCHDOWN. MOTH DOESN’T BUDGE.
-AS REFEREE, MOTH SNAPS A FLAG AT HIS OWN TEAMMATE AND CALLS HIM FOR A FALSE START.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
Though the Giants again lost, this time 94 to 2, Coach Mayberly knew things would start going their way.

CUT TO:

TALKING HEAD - YES MAYBERLY

YES MAYBERLY
Moth was a young player at the time. Every young player is going to have their growing pains. But for a player of Moth’s caliber, the wait was worth it. We knew he was going to be special, we just had to give it time.

CUT TO:

INT. SOUND STAGE
BACK TO THE SOUND STAGE FROM THE BEGINNING. MARK REYNOLDS IS THERE WITH THE FOOTBALL AGAIN.

MARK REYNOLDS
The Giants’ patience would reward them. The following year, James Moth amassed 3500 passing yards with 27 touchdowns and only two interceptions, 1400 rushing yards, 1900 receiving yards, 18 interceptions, 140 tackles, 13 sacks, and was voted Most Valuable Player for the first time. For his career, Moth would win the MVP award 18 more times and lead the Giants to 20 consecutive Super Bowl victories, using the long snapper stance all the while. His dominance of the sport was so great that he was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame during halftime of a game in his eighth season. In his prime, the league contemplated replacing their leather footballs with porcelain replicas of Moth’s face. In short, the game came easy to Moth and he was recognized for it as he was named the greatest player of any sport ever forever in 1960. But, after retiring in 1961, Moth would find that it was life that was difficult.

CUT TO:

TALKING HEAD - JAMES MOTH
MOTH LOOKS THE SAME AS HIS OLD PICTURES EXCEPT THAT HE IS NOW 90+ YEARS OLD. HE HAS PHYSICALLY AGED ACCORDINGLY.

JAMES MOTH
When I retired from the NFL, I was only 45. Football was all I knew and here I had to make a life adjustment with half of my life to go. I struggled with that for a long time.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE OF PHOTOS
THE CAMERA AGAIN PANS OVER A PILE OF OLD PHOTOS OF MOTH. EVERY PHOTO IS A DIFFERENT INSTANCE OF MOTH LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE WITH A PLAIN LOOK ON HIS FACE.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
Unable to separate his NFL career from the real world, Moth tried to combine the two unsuccessfully for decades. In applying his trademark long snapper stance to every day life, Moth would be single-handedly responsible for starting the Cold War, beginning the AIDS epidemic, the breakup of the Beatles, and the assassinations of Johns Kennedy, Lennon, and Denver.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
90+-YEAR-OLD JAMES MOTH SITS AT THE DINNER TABLE WITH HIS FAMILY EATING THANKSGIVING DINNER. THEY ARE ALL LAUGHING AND HAVING FUN.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
Today, Moth lives a happy, normal life with his family.

CUT TO:

TALKING HEAD - JAMES MOTH

JAMES MOTH
I finally understood that though I was a star in the NFL, I’m just a regular guy now. So I don’t try to play up my athletic prowess too often.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
MOTH AND FAMILY ARE STILL AT DINNER LAUGHING IT UP. MOTH STANDS UP ON THE TABLE, GRABS A ROLL, AND HIKES IT BETWEEN HIS LEGS TO HIS 3-MONTH-OLD GRANDSON. IT BOUNCES OFF HIS HEAD. EVERYONE LAUGHS IT UP. MOTH IS LAUGHING EXTRA HARD AT HIS OWN ANTICS, ELBOWING AND HIGHFIVING EVERYONE IN SIGHT.

MARK REYNOLDS (V.O.)
Only just enough to show that he’s still number one.

FADE TO:

INT. SOUND STAGE
BACK TO THE SOUND STAGE WITH MARK REYNOLDS.

MARK REYNOLDS
Today, James Moth resides in Washington, D.C., with his wife and hamsters. In his twilight years, Moth has taken an interest in politics and is actively petitioning Congress to allow George W. Bush to serve a third consecutive term as President. Says Moth, “My whole career, all I did was put W’s on the board. What’s one more?” For “Sports Stories,” I’m Mark Reynolds.
THE SOMBER CLOSING THEME TO “SPORTS STORIES” PLAYS AS THE CAMERA PULLS AWAY FROM REYNOLDS. REYNOLDS WALKS OFF INTO THE DARKNESS.
FADE TO BLACK.

THE END

Come on, dawg.

2008-03-20T01:19:00.002-04:00

CHOPPER

INT. HELICOPTER
GARY (PILOT) AND JEFF (COPILOT) RIDE IN A HELICOPTER. JEFF IS EATING NACHOS AS GARY IS AT THE CONTROLS.

JEFF
God, these nachos are GOOD! Dude, you gotta try these!

GARY
Okay, just give me a minute, I’m trying to land this bad boy.

JEFF
Nah, dude, this can’t wait. You gotta try this, like, NOW.

GARY
I’m in the middle of landing, can you just hold on?

JEFF
No, seriously, these nachos is tasty! Here, just try one!

JEFF TRIES TO FEED GARY A NACHO. GARY TRIES TO FEND HIM OFF AND CONTINUE TO PILOT THE HELICOPTER.

GARY
No, what the hell, will you just--

JEFF
Come on, dawg--

GARY
Jeff, will you--

JEFF
Dude--

GARY
What the--

CUT TO:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-pZgI3FeJ0

THE SCENE CONTINUES AS OVERDUBBED DIALOGUE TO THE ABOVE VIDEO.

GARY
Just hold on, would you--

JEFF
Dude, these nachos--

GARY
Oh, crap--

THE CHOPPER BOUNCES OFF THE GROUND.

GARY (CONT'D)
Okay, let me just land right here...

JEFF
Dude, I’m gonna spill the cheese--

GARY
Okay, no, just turn it--

CHOPPER IS SPINNING OUTTA CONTROL.

GARY (CONT'D)
Okay, gah, just turn it around--

JEFF
Dude!

GARY
Oh God, oh God, oh fuck me--

THE CHOPPER STARTS TO CRASH. JEFF AND GARY SCREAM. THE CHOPPER CRASHES AND COMES TO A REST.

JEFF
Okay, seriously, last chance before I finish these bad boys off.

THE END

I know y'all watch Chappelle's Show!

2008-03-17T20:28:00.003-04:00

This one is a couple of years old and I don't feel like updating the references. As Taylor from "Kid Nation" would say: DEAL WITH IT

PRESIDENT OF JOKES

INT. WHITE HOUSE

A PRESS CONFERENCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE. A PODIUM SITS AT THE END OF A LONG HALLWAY WITH SEVERAL MICROPHONES ATTACHED TO IT. REPORTERS WAIT IDLY OFF CAMERA. IDLE CHATTER IS AUDIBLE. A MAN COMES OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER TO ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT.

MAN (V.O.)

Ladies and gentleman: the president of the United States.

THE PRESIDENT WALKS OUT TO THE PODIUM. EVERYONE APPLAUDS. PHOTOS ARE SNAPPED. THE PRESIDENT HOLDS UP A HAND TO ACKNOWLEDGE EVERYONE AND SILENCE THE CROWD.

PRESIDENT

My fellow Americans: the events of the past week have devastated our nation to the core. The bombings in Arizona and Little Rock. The invasion of Texas by the Mexicans. The drought that has been sweeping the nation for the last four and a half months. And “Mind of Mencia” just got renewed for another season!

CROWD GIVES A CHUCKLE.

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)

But seriously, at a time like this, it's very difficult for us as a nation to keep our heads, to persevere. We have always been a resilient nation and it is time to prove our strength once again. When the stock market crashed in the 1920s, we overcame. When President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, we overcame. When the Vietnam War came to an inconclusive and controversial end, we overcame. And when Michael Jackson was acquitted, we overcame.

THE CROWD LAUGHS. HE LAUGHS ALONG WITH THEM.

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)

Well, Michael did anyway! No, but seriously, the process of rebuilding is not an easy one. It takes time and patience, something that I know plenty about, having been married for 23 years!

HE SMILES AND MOTIONS INTO THE CROWD.

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)

My beautiful wife, Sheryl! Take a bow, Honey! Give her a hand, everybody!

SHE DOES. THEY DO. AS THE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN:

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)

Marriage is a tricky thing, y'know...

HE TAKES A MICROPHONE FROM THE STAND AND JUST STARTS RIFFING. CANNED LAUGHTER UNDER THE JOKES. SHOTS OF THE LAUGHING MEDIA GENERALLY INTERSPERSED LIKE A “COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS” STAND-UP SPECIAL.

PRESIDENT (CONT'D)

Even though I'm the PRESIDENT my wife is still in charge! I run a nation of over 50 million people but I can't even run my own house! We're happy together though, we have 3 kids: 2 boys and a girl. My son, Roger, is just 18 months old. He's so precious, but it seems like he's trying to break up my marriage! Every night he comes into sleep in our bed because he had a “bad dream”. If this keeps up, I'M gonna have a bad dream IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'! I swear, my love life is starting to look like pigs in a blanket: my wife's the pig and John Grisham is the blanket! That's a little bit of a stretch but come on, how many books is that guy gonna write?! Seriously, he's getting more attention from my wife than her “light sabre”! I know y'all watch Chappelle's Show! Marriage is hard work, though. I just wish it would be harder! Eh, eh?! Dogs and cats are weird and hey, what's the deal with board games? The name is already self-defeating: board games. BORED games. Games we'd only play when we're bored. Who names these things? Probably MY WIFE! Alright, you guys have been great, don't for get to tip your waitress on the way out!

HE PUTS THE MIC BACK ON THE STAND AND EXITS TO UPROARIOUS APPLAUSE AND A “ROCK 'N ROLL” VERSION OF “HAIL TO THE CHIEF” PLAYING AS EXIT MUSIC.

THE END

Larry My Heart At Wounded Knee

2008-03-15T11:51:00.002-04:00

LARRY’S FURNITURE

OPEN ON: GENERIC WAREHOUSE WITH “FURNITURE” SIGN

SUPERIMPOSED TEXT: LARRY’S FURNITURE 913-555-1234

VOICEOVER

Fall is here and that’s exactly what prices at Larry’s Furniture are doing: But don’t take it from me, ask Larry!

CUT TO:

INT. FURNITURE STORE

LARRY STANDS IN A CHEAP SUIT IN FRONT OF A LARGE DISPLAY ROOM OF FURNITURE. LARRY, AS WELL AS EVERY OTHER CHARACTER BESIDES THE VOICEOVER, SPEAKS STIFFLY WITH STILTED SPEECH THROUGHOUT.

LARRY

That’s right, my prices are fall-fall-falling like the leaves from our neighborhood trees. Prices like for this ottoman--

HE APPROACHES A NEARBY OTTOMAN.

LARRY (CONT'D)

--once 79.99, Now only 49.99.

HE APPROACHES A LEATHER CHAIR.

LARRY (CONT'D)

Or this chair, once 129.99, now just 89.99. But that’s not all, take a look at this deal. Fall is the time for having love and falling into it.

HE WALKS TOWARDS ANOTHER PIECE OF FURNITURE OFFSCREEN.

LARRY (CONT'D)

That’s why all love seats are fifty percent--

LARRY COMES UP TO A LOVE SEAT WHERE SHERYL AND ARMANDO SIT IN EACH OTHERS’ ARMS.

LARRY (CONT'D)

Sheryl, what are you doing. How could you.

SHERYL

What do you expect, Larry, when you never buy me nice things.

LARRY

Maybe I could afford to if I weren’t practically giving away this brand new sofa set for 179.99, nearly seventy percent off the list price. What will I tell the kids.

SHERYL

I--

LARRY

Save it, Sheryl. Go to your new love and his large muscles and genitalia that are reminiscent of my competitor’s over-inflated prices. You are not worthy of my low low prices. And though my reproductive organs may be miniature, one organ of mine remains large: my HEART.

CUT TO:

INT. FURNITURE STORE - BEDROOM DISPLAY

JONATHAN AND ERIN SIT ON A BED IN FRONT OF OTHER BEDROOM DISPLAY FURNITURE LARRY ENTERS.

LARRY

Children, I have news.

JONATHAN

Don’t you knock.

LARRY

This is my house, I can do whatever I want including selling two brand new mattresses for the price of one. Your mother is leaving me.

ERIN

But why?

LARRY

Because my prices and sex drive are so low that I can no longer satisfy her fiscal and vaginal needs. But we’ll be okay, kids. We’ll be okay.

CUT TO:

INT. FURNITURE STORE

LARRY, HIS FAMILY, AND ARMANDO STAND IN FRONT OF THE STORE’S MAIN ROOM WITH VARIOUS BALLOONS AND STREAMERS DECORATING THE IMMEDIATE AREA. A CLOWN STANDS ON ONE SIDE OF THE GROUP JUGGLING BOWLING PINS POORLY. PONY WEARING A PARTY HAT STANDS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE.

LARRY

So come to Larry’s Furniture before my deals and marriage are over. Like the saying goes: “LARRY my heart at wounded knee.”

CLOSE SHOT OF LARRY’S AWKWARDLY SMILING FACE. THE TAKE GOES ON FOR ENTIRELY TOO LONG.

SUPERIMPOSED TEXT: LARRY’S FURNITURE 913-555-1234

VOICEOVER

Larry’s Furniture is located off Highway 61 at the corner of Elm and Marsh. Don’t delay, act today!

FADE TO BLACK.

First Entry - McDonald's

2008-03-15T02:50:00.003-04:00

I'm going to try to post something I've written every day/every other day. I have a lot of old things so that should go one for a while. We'll see.

This won't make sense unless you've already seen this garbage (or maybe it does work fine on it's own, I don't know):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eN9KP6lOZs

Leave comments.

MCDONALD’S

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY

GENERIC MIDDLE CLASS BLACK COUPLE SITS AT THEIR DINNER TABLE EATING MCDONALD’S FOR DINNER. WE HEAR LOUD HIP HOP BLARING FROM ANOTHER PART OF THE HOUSE.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

LOW ANGLE SHOT OF SHORT CHILD CARRYING A BOOM BOX DOWN THE HALL TOWARD THE DINING ROOM. WE CAN ONLY SEE THE LOWER HALF OF THE KID’S BODY AND THE BOOM BOX HE’S HOLDING. “CHA CHA SLIDE” BY DJ CASPER PLAYS ON THE BOX.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE LOOKS UP AS THE KID ENTERS. WE STILL HAVEN’T SEEN ABOVE HIS WAIST YET. HIS PARENTS’ JAWS DROP IN SHOCK AS THEY GET A LOOK AT THEIR CHILD. THE KID SETS HIS BOOM BOX ON THE TABLE. HE TURNS THE VOLUME UP LOUDER.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

WIDER SHOT OF THE ROOM. WE FINALLY SEE THE KID, WHO IS A 10-YEAR-OLD BLACK CHILD IN BLACKFACE WEARING A BLACK-AND-WHITE TUXEDO AND BOW TIE. HE STARTS SHUCKING AND JIVING TO THE MUSIC. HE IS ABLE TO MIX HIS DANCING WITH EATING OF CHICKEN MCNUGGETS. DAD STARTS TO FEEL THE GROOVE OF THE SONG AND CLAPS ALONG TO THE KID’S DANCING AS THE SONG CONTINUES. THE KID PEEKS IN HIS MCDONALD’S BAG AND LOOKS BACK UP AT THE CAMERA SHRUGS CARTOONISHLY AND WITH A BIG, DUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE.

KID

(with a disgustingly racist old-timey slave accent)

What, no wata’ melon?

CUT TO:

INSERT - LOGO

SUPERIMPOSED IMAGE OF MCDONALD’S LOGO FADES IN AND “I’M LOVIN’ IT” SLOGAN APPEARS UNDERNEATH.

FADE TO BLACK.