This is like a Kids In The Hall sketch but with bad words.
INT. DINER/CAFE
JAMES AND ERICA SIT HAVING LUNCH AT A CAFE. JAMES SITS WITH HIS HEAD RESTING ON HIS HAND, HE’S CLEARLY HAVING TROUBLE STAYING AWAKE AS ERICA PRATTLES ON.
ERICA
So I say to the guy, “Hey, listen, buddy, I am an American! You don’t talk to me like that!” And so he says...
ERICA CONTINUES UNDER THE VOICEOVER.
VOICEOVER
Tired of feigning interest in boring conversations?
JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND NODS.
VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
Then have we got a product for you. Care, Co. proudly presents: “Give A Shit”!
A BUCKET MARKED “GIVE A SHIT” MAGICALLY APPEARS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF JAMES.
VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
Now you can give a shit without giving a shit!
JAMES PUTS ON A GLOVE, SCOOPS A HANDFUL OF SHIT FROM THE BUCKET, AND SMEARS IT ONTO ERICA’S MOUTH AND FACE. ERICA LOOKS UP AT HIM AND SMILES.
ERICA
You are such a good listener!
JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.
VOICEOVER
We at Care, Co. know it’s hard to care about EVERYTHING. That’s why we’ve diversified “Give A Shit” tenfold!
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM
JAMES SITS IN CLASS TAKING A TEST. HE TAPS HIS PENCIL IN BOREDOM, NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE TEST. A BUCKET OF “GIVE A SHIT” SHIT MAGICALLY APPEARS ON HIS DESK.
VOICEOVER
In the classroom!
JAMES PUTS ON HIS GLOVE, SCOOPS SOME SHIT, AND SMEARS IT ON HIS TEST. HIS TEACHER WALKS UP, TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIS TEST, AND WRITES “A+” AT THE TOP OF THE PAPER. JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.
CUT TO:
INT. COFERENCE ROOM
JAMES SITS AT A CONFERENCE TABLE SURROUNDED BY BUSINESSMEN. A MAN STANDS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE GIVING A PRESENTATION WITH PIE CHART DISPLAYS NEARBY. JAMES STRUGGLES TO STAY AWAKE.
VOICEOVER
At work!
THE “GIVE A SHIT” BUCKET APPEARS IN FRONT OF JAMES. HE DUMPS IT OUT ON THE TABLE AND THROWS A HANDFUL AT THE MAN GIVING THE PRESENTATION, WHICH HITS HIM IN THE FACE. HE TURNS TO JAMES WITH A BIG GRIN AND GIVES JAMES AN ENTHUSIASTIC THUMBS UP. JAMES TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
JAMES SITS ON THE COUCH IN HIS HOUSE EATING PIZZA AND WATCHING FOOTBALL. A BABY SQUIRMS ON THE COUCH NEXT TO HIM, CRYING LOUDLY. JAMES TAKES THE BABY AND UNDOES ITS DIAPER TO FIND THAT THE BABY HAS POOPED ITSELF.
VOICEOVER
Even with the kids!
THE “GIVE A SHIT” BUCKET APPEARS ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF JAMES. JAMES GRABS A HANDFUL FROM THE BUCKET AND RUBS IT INTO THE DIRTY DIAPER, THUS TRIPLING THE AMOUNT OF FECES NOW IN THE DIAPER. THE BABY IMMEDIATELY CHEERS UP. JAMES SMILES AND RUBS THE BABY’S HEAD WITH HIS NON-POOP COVERED HAND. HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG SMILE AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
CLOSE SHOT OF 3 BUCKETS OF “GIVE A SHIT” ON A KITCHEN TABLE: SMALL, MEDIUM, AND LARGE.
VOICEOVER
That’s “Give A Shit”, from Care, Co. And for a limited time only, each bucket of “Give A Shit” purchased comes with a free sample of “Give A Hoot,” also by Care, Co.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
JAMES AND HIS FRIEND, BILLY, SIT ON THE COUCH PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.
BILLY
So I dunno what I’m gonna do, man. Those DVD’s are due back tomorrow, but I kinda want to watch “Con Air” again.
JAMES SIGHS AND GLANCES UP FROM THE TV TO AN AREA OFF SCREEN, NODDING ONCE AND MOTIONING TOWARDS BILLY. AN OWL SWOOPS DOWN AND SCREAMS LOUDLY AS IT SNATCHES BILLY UP FROM HIS SEAT AND FLIES AWAY WITH BILLY SCREAMING IN HORROR. JAMES SIGHS IN RELIEF AND SMILES. HE LOOKS UP TO THE CAMERA WITH A BIG GRIN AND GIVES TWO THUMBS UP.
JAMES
Thanks, Care, Co.!
OUT.
