Hollywood Hoagies

Another bizarre idea.  If you don't get it after reading it, don't worry because there's an explanation into what the hell I was going for.

INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO

Generic game show studio set up like a cross between "Match Game" and "Hollywood Squares."  A panel of six thousand celebrities sit on a huge grid on one side of the room while the host and two contestants stand behind their podiums on the other side.  The camera pans over the packed studio of hundreds of audience members a la "The Price is Right."

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Welcome back to...

Graphic logo for "Hollywood Hoagies" appears on screen.

AUDIENCE

Hollywood!  Hoagies!

The camera whips back around to the host, Mark Billings, and  the two contestants, slowly zooming to a tighter shot.

MARK BILLINGS

That's right!  I'm Mark Billings and we're back for round two of today's game.  After round one, it looks like competition is heating up!  Let's just get right back into it.

He turns to the first contestant, Jeffrey.

MARK BILLINGS

Jeffrey, you're up!  Choose your celebrity!

Jeffrey straightens up at his podium and contemplates his choice.  After a second's thought:

JEFFREY

Gilbert Gottried.

Mark immediately turns to face the celebrity panel.

MARK BILLINGS

(unhealthy amount of enthusiasm)

Gilbert Gottfried, where are ya?!

The camera focused on the celebrity panel quickly zooms in on Gilbert Gottfried, who waves to the applauding audience.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED

I'm ready to play, Mark!

MARK BILLINGS

Alright, Gilbert, then let's just dive right in!

Mark turns to the audience.

MARK BILLINGS

(expectantly)

Audience?

AUDIENCE

Hollywood!  Hoagies!

The audience applauds wildly as Gilbert Gottfried lifts a hoagie from his podium in the panel and starts to eat it.  He's in no hurry, he may as well be eating at home.  He occasionally reaches for the mug on his podium and takes a sip.  The audience applauds at random intervals for seemingly no reason.  After about forty seconds of watching him eat:

MARK BILLINGS

Alright, Sarah, it's your turn!

The other contestant, Sarah, looks over the celebrity panel.

SARAH

(confidently)

Caroline Rhea.

Mark whips around to face the panel with complete disregard for human life.

MARK BILLINGS

Sweet Caroline!

Just as before, the camera zooms in on Caroline Rhea at her podium.

CAROLINE RHEA

Here I am!

MARK BILLINGS

And here we go!  You know what to do, audience!

AUDIENCE

Hollywood!  Hoagies!

Caroline Rhea lifts her hoagie and starts in on it just like Gilbert Gottfried did: no rush, just munching on it and occasionally taking a sip from her drink.  The audience reaction is similar, they applaud and cheer at random.  After about thirty seconds of this:

MARK BILLINGS

Let's check back in with Gilbert Gottfried.  Gilbert?

Gilbert is about halfway through his hoagie by now.  He waves and gives a thumbs up to the camera as he continues to munch away.

MARK BILLINGS

(chuckling)

Well, he's certainly enjoying himself.

Mark turns to face the camera.

MARK BILLINGS

As you can see, it's another game of Hollywood Hoagies.  Stay tuned for round three right after these commercials!

The audience applauds loudly as the camera sweeps over them and the panel of celebrities.  Upbeat theme music plays.

FADE OUT.

The "joke," if you can call it that, is that there's no game.  It's literally just celebrities eating sandwiches in some sort of game show format but with no scoring.

They smooch quickly.

It's getting better.  The writing is starting to catch back up to the ideas.  What a fun, sexy time for me.  Also, "They smooch quickly" would be a great name for a band.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Young couple in love (FRED and AMY) walk down the street arm-in-arm.  It's obvious from their body language that they're in love as they clamor all over each other on the way down the sidewalk.  It is really nauseating.  They come upon a section of the sidewalk that has beenblocked off.  A sign reads "WET CEMENT."

AMY

Oh, wet cement!  You know what we should do?

Fred

What's that?

AMY

(very childish mode of speech)

We should write our names in it in a heart and it should say "Fred and Amy FOREVER" and that way our love will go on forever!

Fred smiles.

FRED

I love it!  And I love YOU!

AMY

Aw, I love YOU!

They smooch quickly.  Fred looks around to make sure no one is looking and sneaks past the tape surrounding the wet cement.  Amy looks on in glee from outside of the blocked area as Fred kneels down to the wet cement.  He looks up at her and smiles before getting into it.  Tight shot peeking over Fred's shoulder and onto his finger as he writes:

FRED

"Fred...and...Amy...FOREVE--"

Just before he can finish, Fred is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot and blood splattering from Amy's direction all over the wet cement and Fred's hand.

BLACKOUT.

Listless

Really dumb.  Not going to try to defend it.  Just dumb.  Content-wise, I think it turned out well.  The premise is just plain stupid, though.  Oh well.  I think this would be a lot be if seen, it would play better than it does on the page.

INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Santa Claus sits on his couch watching television.  The house is just your average house, not adorned with a bunch of Christmas decorations or anything.  Santa is watching some generic crap, like "MAURY" or "TYRA."  He checks his watch and is surprised by the time.  He takes a breath, sits up, and turns off the television.  He stands and leaves the room.

CUT TO:

INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - bedroom

Santa sits on his bed and tries to pull his red Santa pants on.  He only has on a wife-beater undershirt and boxers at this point.  He's struggling with the pants due to his horrendous weight problem.  He has to stop at one point due to his frustration and take a deep breath before getting back into it.  He wipes the sweat from his brow.

CUT TO:

INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR

Santa has his outfit on (pants, jacket, hat).  He just needs his boots at this point.  He steadies himself with his hand against the door as he bends over and picks up his right boot.  He leans against the adjacent wall and tries to put the boot on without sitting or crouching.  He loses his balance a few times as he tries (unsuccessfully) to put his foot in the boot.  He does finally slip his foot into the top part of the boot.  He struggles a lot to get the boot completely on, losing his balance a few times.  He gets increasingly frustrated but manages to stay patient with himself.

CUT TO:

EXT. SANTA'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY

Santa sits in his station wagon in the driveway of his house.  He lives in a typical residential area.  He looks over his shoulder to back out.  His street is a little busy today.  There is a yard sale going on across the street, several cars are parked on the street and blocking his view of possible traffic.  He slowly backs out of his driveway.  He stops short as a car zooms by.  He lays on the horn and glares at the car as it passes out of sight.  He resumes his descent out of the driveway.

CUT TO:

EXT. SANTA'S STREET

Santa sits at the stop sign at the end of his street.  There is an unbelievable amount of traffic on the main road in front of him.  The street is packed with cars barely even moving.  He starts to inch out into the nearest lane.  The car he is cutting off just barely lets him in.  He avoids eye contact with them.  We can see that the other driver is very upset with Santa, animatedly (and inaudibly) swearing at him from their car.  Santa sits in his car as traffic slowly eases forward.  He looks out his window and can see his destination literally around the corner: the grocery store.  His disposition quickly sours due to the ridiculous traffic.  He leans out his window to look ahead and see what the hold up is.  He quickly spots an ambulance and several police cars some thirty yards ahead of him.  He looks confused until he spots a person's arm laying in a pool of blood as it peeks out from a spot in the traffic.  Santa immediately collects himself, he is very ashamed at his behavior.  He rolls up his window and turns on the radio.  He is immediately audibly assaulted by the most obnoxious FM radio disc jockey ever.

RADIO D.J. (O.S.)

(with way too much energy)

--like a fart in a Mr. Bucket!  I'm gonna spew outta mah dong hole!  Hey, Mr. Clinton, is that a poop stain on your undies?!

A Bill Clinton soundbyte plays.

BILL CLINTON

It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is--

Santa angrily shuts off the radio and sits in silence.  Several seconds pass.  Santa only sits and shakes his head.

CUT TO:

EXT. STORE PARKING LOT

Santa's car pulls into the parking lot of the grocery store.  The place is basically packed, he has to park towards the back of the lot.  He gets out of his car and just stares at the long walk ahead of him.  Just then, a stray shopping cart rolls into his bumper, scratching the paint.  Santa can only slump his shoulders in defeat.

CUT TO:

INT. GROCERY STORE

Santa walks through the grocery store pushing an empty shopping cart.  He is in the produce section.  He whistles  a few bars of "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN" quietly to himself as he checks his pockets.  He starts to sing quietly.

SANTA

(quietly)

He's making a list/He's checking it...

He abruptly stops singing as he realizes that his pockets are empty.  He pads himself down as he searches for what should be in his pocket. 

SANTA

Twice...

He doesn't have anything on him.  He's forgotten his grocery list.  He drops his arms in defeat.

SANTA

(upset)

You've got to be...

Santa exhales long and hard.  He can only shake his head at himself.  He leaves his cart sitting where it is and walks out of frame.

FADE OUT.

This one sucks.

This belongs on SNL.  And when I say that, I mean it's very traditional and stupid.  At least it's not long, though.  So it's got that going for it.  Hey, they're not all winners.

INT. KING SOLOMON'S COURT - DAY

King Solomon presides over a dispute between two women.  A baby lays in a basket on a table between them.

KING SOLOMON

Simply cut the baby in two and give half to either woman.  Problem solved!

WOMAN #1

(apathetic)

Sounds good to me.

WOMAN #2

(panicked)

No!  She can have the child!  Just don't cut it in two!

As the nearby court guards go to take the baby to Woman #1, they are interrupted by King Solomon.

KING SOLOMON\

Ah-ha!  The child's true mother would care more about the child's well-being.

He points at Woman #2.

KING SOLOMON

THIS is the child's real mother!  She shall have the child!  Next case!

The guard award the baby to Woman #2 and lead both women out of the court.  Woman #2 looks so happy, Woman #1 couldn't care less.  As they exit, two average-looking merchants are led into the court by another guard.

GUARD

Your majesty, I present the case of Edward of Hampshire versus Marcus of Walton.

KING SOLOMON

Thank you, guard.  Gentlemen, what is your dispute?

Edward steps forward to plead his case.

EDWARD

Your majesty, I run a laundry service in town.  I dry-clean men's pants for a reasonable fee.  Yesterday, this gentleman entered my shop asking for me to wash his men's pants in addition to dry-cleaning them.  I do not provide this service yet he insists that I do it anyway.

Marcus steps in.

MARCUS

He is the only cleaner of any kind in town, he should have to provide total service or none at all!

King Solomon laughs smugly.

KING SOLOMON

This is simple: cut his pants in half.

Marcus and Edward look dumbfounded.

MARCUS

What?

KING SOLOMON

Cut the pants in two.  Dry-clean one half, moisten the other.

EDWARD

(confused)

Oh, you mean just clean half of his pants...?  Or, like, really cutting them?

KING SOLOMON

I believe I've been very clear.  Bring on the next case!

The court guard comes and escorts Marcus an Edward out.

MARCUS

(to Edward)

So wait, what do we do?

EDWARD

Something about pants, I think...

MARCUS

(irritated)

We're IN HERE because of pants, of course it's about pants.

EDWARD

Do what?

They exit.  The guard re-enters.

GUARD

Your Highness, there are no more cases this day.

KING SOLOMON

Excellent.  I believe it's time for dinner then.  Bring me my supper.

GUARD

Very good, sir.

The guard turns and yells out into the nearby hall.

GUARD

(yelling)

Retrieve His Majesty's supper!

A servant comes running in and whispers something to the guard before disappearing again.  The guard turns to face King Solomon again.

GUARD

Your Majesty, it has come to my attention that we have different options for supper.  We have duck ready to be prepared for you, the only question is how would you like it prepared?  We can roast the duck, broil it, bake it--

King Solomon's ears prick up.  He's in his element.

KING SOLOMON

(extremely confident)

Cut it in half.

GUARD

I'm sorry?

KING SOLOMON

Do you dare question the decision of King Solomon?

GUARD

Absolutely not, Sire.  It's just... Cut it in half?  Nothing more?

KING SOLOMON

At once!

GUARD

(confused)\

Alright...

He heads out of the room.  He re-enters seconds later with a man in a white lab coat and stethoscope.

GUARD

(announcing)

Doctor Alexander of Sashareth.

KING SOLOMON

Ah, my personal physician.  What brings you here today?

The guard exits.  Doctor Alexander tenderly walks forward.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

(uneasy)

Sire, after careful analysis of the results of this month's check-up... There's no easy way to say this... You have crotch rot.

KING SOLOMON

I see.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

Now, there are a few things we can do to remedy the situation, though none will be easy with such a tender area.  What we can do is--

KING SOLOMON

(extremely boisterous)

Cut it in half!

Doctor Alexander considers King Solomons idiotic suggestion for a moment, then:

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

Your Majesty, I hate to second-guess you, but that is your answer to literally everything.  Don't you want to consider an alternative method of--

KING SOLOMON

(smug)

If it ain't broke, don't cut it in half.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

That really doesn't make any sense.

KING SOLOMON

(defensive)

Whoa, maybe you don't quite get what I'm saying, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater without first cutting it in half.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

What?

KING SOLOMON

Let me speak in simpler terms.  Let's say you have a problem.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

(playing along)

Okay.

KING SOLOMON

Cut it in half.

King Solomon looks at the doctor like he's saying the most obvious thing in the world, it doesn't get much simpler than this.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

(resigned)

Right... So, when should we cut "it" in half?

KING SOLOMON\

At once.

DOCTOR ALEXANDER

And you're sure you don't want to consider any alternative methods?

KING SOLOMON

Absolutely not.

The doctor leads King Solomon out of the room.  As they exit, they pass the guard entering back into the room with a duck that's been cut in half.  It still has all its feathers and everything, it sits in a bowl of its own blood and filth.

GUARD

But Sire, your dinner!

CUT TO:

INT. KING SOLOMON'S COURT - DAY

"ONE WEEK LATER."  King Solomon sits on his throne looking out a window.  He faces away from the camera.  His guard enters.

GUARD

Sire, it is now 7 o'clock and time for your supper.  We have chicken today, how would you like it prepared?

King Solomon turns to face the guard.  He has a large bandage over his crotch.

KING SOLOMON

(in an extremely high-pitched voice)

Let me think about it!

GUARD

Very good, Sire.

The guard exits.  King Solomon thinks deeply about how he wants his chicken prepared.

FADE OUT.

On A Bicycle Built For Two

I never feel like the hilarity of visual jokes comes across in sketches.  This is another one of those whose joke is entirely visual.  Just picturing a bicycle built for two careening down... well, I won't spoil it (in case someone actually reads this).  I guess this one is sort of like an SNL Digital Short in that there aren't any jokes until the very end.  This one probably would work better in a movie or television show, but I still think it's funny on its own.  Hey, have fun reading it!

EXT. SARAH'S HOME - NIGHT

Evan arrives at Sarah's home dressed in a suit and tie and holding flowers.  He rings the doorbell.  After a moment, Sarah answers the door in a nice dress.  She smiles as she answers.

SARAH

Evan, right?

EVAN

That's right.  Sarah?

SARAH

That's me.

Evan hands over the flowers.  Sarah takes them and smells them.

EVAN

These are for you.

SARAH

Oh, thank you so much, you shouldn't have.

EVAN

It was nothing.

SARAH

You know, I was a little skeptical about this whole "blind date" thing, but you're off to a great start, mister!

They both chuckle.  Evan offers his arm to her.

EVAN

Shall we?

SARAH

(impressed)

Oh my, a true gentleman!

EVAN

Yes, ma'am.

She takes his arm and they walk down to the car.

Fade to:

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Sarah and Evan enjoy dinner at an upscale, five-star restaurant.  They chat inaudibly.  Classical string music plays softly in the background combined with ambient restaurant noise.  They are both smiling and laughing a lot, they are having a great time.  The music continues as they finish their meal.  Evan stands and helps Sarah out of her seat.  They exit the restaurant.

Fade to:

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Sarah and Evan walk through the park arm-in-arm.  Both are smiling.  It's obvious from their body language that they both have taken a liking to one another.

SARAH

You know, I have to say... This has really been the perfect evening.

EVAN

I feel the same way.

They turn and smile at each other and share a small kiss before continuing on, holding each other slightly closer now.  They quickly come across a man in the park running a bicycle rental station.  He has both regular bikes and bicycles built for two.

SARAH

Oh, look!  Bicycles built for two!

EVAN

You want to go for a ride?

SARAH

Oh, that would be so romantic!

EVAN

Then let's go.

They approach the station.

Cut to:

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

Sarah and Evan now ride through the park on the bicycle built for two.  Evan is steering.  He's having a little trouble with it, the bike is wobbling all over the place.  Both Sarah and Evan are laughing and having fun.  As they ride, we can see that they are getting pretty close to the nearby city streets.

EVAN

Who knew this would be so hard?

SARAH

I've never ridden one of these before, this is crazy!

Evan, still having trouble with steering the bike, has basically lost control at this point.  The bike is very clearly heading for the nearby four-lane street.  Sarah sees this and looks half-concerned, half-amused.

SARAH

(nervous)

Ha, we better not get too far over there!

Evan is struggling hardcore at this point.

EVAN

Gah, lemme just...

Evan has lost control.  The bike is definitely headed for the road as they get closer and closer to it.

SARAH

Evan, please!

EVAN

Oh no!

The bicycle rides over the sidewalk, off the curb, and into the street.  Evan manically tries to steer the bike across the street as oncoming traffic swerves around him.  Sarah is full-on screaming at this point and pedaling for her life.

SARAH

OH MY GOD!

Evan continues to steer, Sarah continues to scream and pedal, cars continues to screech, swerve, and honk.  After a good ten seconds of out-and-out panic, they actually somehow manage to make it all the way across the street without getting hit. 

SARAH

(panic/fear)

Oh my God!

Sarah's screaming dies down as she realizes that they're safe.

SARAH

(slowly realizing)

Oh my... God... We made it!  HAHA, we made it!

Evan breathes a deep sigh of relief.  The bicycle continues on.

EVAN

Oh wow, that was unbelievable.

He turns his head to check on Sarah.

EVAN

Are you okay--

The bicycle suddenly, and unforeseen by anyone, heads down the entry to a subway station on a loud and violently bumpy descent.  We only see Evan and Sarah disappear into the station on their bicycle built for two.

Fade to black.

The End.

Please, I'm a born-again Christian!

I have been working on a screenplay, that's why this crappy blog wasn't updated for so long.  Sorry.  Wrote this yesterday.  I probably could have made it longer, but I'd rather get to the point and be done with it, otherwise it goes from a 6-page sketch into a 20-page short film.

INT. FRAT HOUSE

Jeff, Mark, and Steve sit around drinking beer and watching television.  A few empty cans lay by Jeff and Mark.  Steve, on the other hand, has gone through more than what both of his friends have drank combined and is severely trashed.  He turns to his friends.

STEVE

Dudes... What is going on?

JEFF

Uh, hey, Steve.  What's up?

STEVE

You guys, ask me anything.

Jeff and Mark exchange glances, they aren't really sure what's going on here.

MARK

Like what?

STEVE

ANYTHING, bro.  Hit me with it.

Jeff and Mark still don't really know what's going on.

STEVE

COME ON.  I wanna gab!

MARK

Alright... Um, well...

He can't think of anything.  He just looks at Jeff, who shrugs back.

MARK

What'd you get in Biology this semester?

STEVE

Bah, come on!  Something good!  Hell, you guys already know the answer to that one: I failed!

MARK

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

STEVE

C'mon, Jeff.  You ask.

JEFF

Okay... Hmm.  When is the last time you talked to a woman?

STEVE

(no hesitation, very smug)

Three hours ago.  Mom's b-day, I gave her a call.

JEFF

I meant like a non-family--

STEVE

Don't you guys want to know anything besides this trivial b.s.?  Ask me ANYTHING, bros!

Jeff and Mark really don't want to play anymore.  Jeff picks up a beer and hands it to Steve.

JEFF

Why don't you have another beer and pass out, Steve?

Steve hesitates.

STEVE

Only if you ask me something for real.

Jeff laments.

JEFF

Okay... Who's gonna win the election?

Steve smiles and takes the beer.

STEVE

Alright, now we're talkin'.  The president... will... be...

He cracks open the beer.

STEVE

Dennis muthafuckin' Kucinich.

Jeff and Mark just look at Steve completely dumbfounded.

MARK

What.

STEVE

Heard it here first, bro.  C'mon, hit me again.

MARK

Yeah.  How about when are you going to lose your virginity, Professor?

STEVE

How about tomorrow, ass.  To yo mama!

Mark clearly didn't care for that remark, he tries to fight Steve.  Jeff steps in.

JEFF

Alright, let's take it easy.

STEVE

Yeah, I'll take it easy.  On Mark's mom when I'm riding her bareback down the stairs tomorrow night!

Mark tries to attack Steve again but is held back by Jeff.

JEFF

EASY!  How about one more "prediction," huh?  Something neutral so no one gets pissed off?

STEVE

Sure.  Let me drop this bomb on you.

Steve turns deadly serious.

STEVE

Tonight, while we're all sleeping, Spain will invade Portugal.  Within two weeks, we will be ensconced in World War Three.

Mark and Jeff are speechless.  Steve notices.

STEVE

(emphatic)

World. War. Three.

JEFF

Okay... I'm going to go to bed.

MARK

Me, too.  See ya, Steve.

Steve pays no mind to them, he turns his attention back to the television.

STEVE

Sure.  Later, guys.

Mark and Jeff head out of the room and down the hall to where Steve can no longer hear them.

MARK

What the hell?

JEFF

He's drunk, forget it.

MARK

I guess.  He's just a different person when he drinks.  It's like he thinks he has to impress us.

JEFF

Dude, forget it.  World War Three is in two weeks, we'll all be too dead to care!

MARK

Yeah, right!  HAHA!

JEFF

HAHAHA!

They head to their rooms, still laughing.

Fade out.

Fade In:

EXT. NORMANDY - DAY

"THREE WEEKS LATER."  Steve, Mark, and Jeff sit in their army uniforms on a naval ship drifting towards Normandy beach.  This sit amongst another thirty men in uniform.

MARK

Goddamn President Kucinich...

STEVE

Hey, don't say I didn't tell you.

JEFF

Shut up, Steve.

STEVE

Hey, on the bright side, at least I'm not gonna die a virgin!  Right, Mark?!

MARK

Shut up, Steve.

The men sit in silence for a few seconds.  Then:

JEFF

(realizing)

Wait, maybe we won't die.  I mean, Steve predicted all that other stuff.  Look into the future again, how does this end?

STEVE

I dunno, I can only do that when I'm really drunk.  Too bad I don't drink anymore.  You all should have asked me more that night when I was trashed.

JEFF

(thoughtfully)

The night when you were trashed...

Cut to:

EXT. NORMANDY - DAY

"FIVE MINUTES LATER."  Establishing shot of the exterior of the ship.  We only hear the waves crashing against the boat.  Quick cut into the actual ship.  Mark and Jeff hold Steve up as he attempts to do a keg stand against his will while the other men on the boat cheer him on.

MARK

Chug it!

STEVE

(crying)

I don't want to, I don't like this!

JEFF

We need to know the future!  CHUG!

STEVE

(still crying)

Please, I'm a born-again Christian!

The other soldiers begin chanting "CHUG!  CHUG!  CHUG!"  Steve tearfully tries to drink any of the beer.  Just then, the ship they are in runs ashore.  It opens unexpectedly and all of the men inside, including those participating in a certain keg stand, are mowed down by enemy machine guns within 5 seconds.  Their bodies crumple to the floor.

The End.