This belongs on SNL. And when I say that, I mean it's very traditional and stupid. At least it's not long, though. So it's got that going for it. Hey, they're not all winners.
INT. KING SOLOMON'S COURT - DAY
King Solomon presides over a dispute between two women. A baby lays in a basket on a table between them.
KING SOLOMON
Simply cut the baby in two and give half to either woman. Problem solved!
WOMAN #1
(apathetic)
Sounds good to me.
WOMAN #2
(panicked)
No! She can have the child! Just don't cut it in two!
As the nearby court guards go to take the baby to Woman #1, they are interrupted by King Solomon.
KING SOLOMON\
Ah-ha! The child's true mother would care more about the child's well-being.
He points at Woman #2.
KING SOLOMON
THIS is the child's real mother! She shall have the child! Next case!
The guard award the baby to Woman #2 and lead both women out of the court. Woman #2 looks so happy, Woman #1 couldn't care less. As they exit, two average-looking merchants are led into the court by another guard.
GUARD
Your majesty, I present the case of Edward of Hampshire versus Marcus of Walton.
KING SOLOMON
Thank you, guard. Gentlemen, what is your dispute?
Edward steps forward to plead his case.
EDWARD
Your majesty, I run a laundry service in town. I dry-clean men's pants for a reasonable fee. Yesterday, this gentleman entered my shop asking for me to wash his men's pants in addition to dry-cleaning them. I do not provide this service yet he insists that I do it anyway.
Marcus steps in.
MARCUS
He is the only cleaner of any kind in town, he should have to provide total service or none at all!
King Solomon laughs smugly.
KING SOLOMON
This is simple: cut his pants in half.
Marcus and Edward look dumbfounded.
MARCUS
What?
KING SOLOMON
Cut the pants in two. Dry-clean one half, moisten the other.
EDWARD
(confused)
Oh, you mean just clean half of his pants...? Or, like, really cutting them?
KING SOLOMON
I believe I've been very clear. Bring on the next case!
The court guard comes and escorts Marcus an Edward out.
MARCUS
(to Edward)
So wait, what do we do?
EDWARD
Something about pants, I think...
MARCUS
(irritated)
We're IN HERE because of pants, of course it's about pants.
EDWARD
Do what?
They exit. The guard re-enters.
GUARD
Your Highness, there are no more cases this day.
KING SOLOMON
Excellent. I believe it's time for dinner then. Bring me my supper.
GUARD
Very good, sir.
The guard turns and yells out into the nearby hall.
GUARD
(yelling)
Retrieve His Majesty's supper!
A servant comes running in and whispers something to the guard before disappearing again. The guard turns to face King Solomon again.
GUARD
Your Majesty, it has come to my attention that we have different options for supper. We have duck ready to be prepared for you, the only question is how would you like it prepared? We can roast the duck, broil it, bake it--
King Solomon's ears prick up. He's in his element.
KING SOLOMON
(extremely confident)
Cut it in half.
GUARD
I'm sorry?
KING SOLOMON
Do you dare question the decision of King Solomon?
GUARD
Absolutely not, Sire. It's just... Cut it in half? Nothing more?
KING SOLOMON
At once!
GUARD
(confused)\
Alright...
He heads out of the room. He re-enters seconds later with a man in a white lab coat and stethoscope.
GUARD
(announcing)
Doctor Alexander of Sashareth.
KING SOLOMON
Ah, my personal physician. What brings you here today?
The guard exits. Doctor Alexander tenderly walks forward.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
(uneasy)
Sire, after careful analysis of the results of this month's check-up... There's no easy way to say this... You have crotch rot.
KING SOLOMON
I see.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
Now, there are a few things we can do to remedy the situation, though none will be easy with such a tender area. What we can do is--
KING SOLOMON
(extremely boisterous)
Cut it in half!
Doctor Alexander considers King Solomons idiotic suggestion for a moment, then:
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
Your Majesty, I hate to second-guess you, but that is your answer to literally everything. Don't you want to consider an alternative method of--
KING SOLOMON
(smug)
If it ain't broke, don't cut it in half.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
That really doesn't make any sense.
KING SOLOMON
(defensive)
Whoa, maybe you don't quite get what I'm saying, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater without first cutting it in half.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
What?
KING SOLOMON
Let me speak in simpler terms. Let's say you have a problem.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
(playing along)
Okay.
KING SOLOMON
Cut it in half.
King Solomon looks at the doctor like he's saying the most obvious thing in the world, it doesn't get much simpler than this.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
(resigned)
Right... So, when should we cut "it" in half?
KING SOLOMON\
At once.
DOCTOR ALEXANDER
And you're sure you don't want to consider any alternative methods?
KING SOLOMON
Absolutely not.
The doctor leads King Solomon out of the room. As they exit, they pass the guard entering back into the room with a duck that's been cut in half. It still has all its feathers and everything, it sits in a bowl of its own blood and filth.
GUARD
But Sire, your dinner!
CUT TO:
INT. KING SOLOMON'S COURT - DAY
"ONE WEEK LATER." King Solomon sits on his throne looking out a window. He faces away from the camera. His guard enters.
GUARD
Sire, it is now 7 o'clock and time for your supper. We have chicken today, how would you like it prepared?
King Solomon turns to face the guard. He has a large bandage over his crotch.
KING SOLOMON
(in an extremely high-pitched voice)
Let me think about it!
GUARD
Very good, Sire.
The guard exits. King Solomon thinks deeply about how he wants his chicken prepared.
FADE OUT.
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