Monday, July 21, 2008

Listless

Really dumb.  Not going to try to defend it.  Just dumb.  Content-wise, I think it turned out well.  The premise is just plain stupid, though.  Oh well.  I think this would be a lot be if seen, it would play better than it does on the page.



INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY


Santa Claus sits on his couch watching television.  The house is just your average house, not adorned with a bunch of Christmas decorations or anything.  Santa is watching some generic crap, like "MAURY" or "TYRA."  He checks his watch and is surprised by the time.  He takes a breath, sits up, and turns off the television.  He stands and leaves the room.


CUT TO:


INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - bedroom


Santa sits on his bed and tries to pull his red Santa pants on.  He only has on a wife-beater undershirt and boxers at this point.  He's struggling with the pants due to his horrendous weight problem.  He has to stop at one point due to his frustration and take a deep breath before getting back into it.  He wipes the sweat from his brow.


CUT TO:


INT. SANTA'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR


Santa has his outfit on (pants, jacket, hat).  He just needs his boots at this point.  He steadies himself with his hand against the door as he bends over and picks up his right boot.  He leans against the adjacent wall and tries to put the boot on without sitting or crouching.  He loses his balance a few times as he tries (unsuccessfully) to put his foot in the boot.  He does finally slip his foot into the top part of the boot.  He struggles a lot to get the boot completely on, losing his balance a few times.  He gets increasingly frustrated but manages to stay patient with himself.


CUT TO:


EXT. SANTA'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY


Santa sits in his station wagon in the driveway of his house.  He lives in a typical residential area.  He looks over his shoulder to back out.  His street is a little busy today.  There is a yard sale going on across the street, several cars are parked on the street and blocking his view of possible traffic.  He slowly backs out of his driveway.  He stops short as a car zooms by.  He lays on the horn and glares at the car as it passes out of sight.  He resumes his descent out of the driveway.


CUT TO:


EXT. SANTA'S STREET


Santa sits at the stop sign at the end of his street.  There is an unbelievable amount of traffic on the main road in front of him.  The street is packed with cars barely even moving.  He starts to inch out into the nearest lane.  The car he is cutting off just barely lets him in.  He avoids eye contact with them.  We can see that the other driver is very upset with Santa, animatedly (and inaudibly) swearing at him from their car.  Santa sits in his car as traffic slowly eases forward.  He looks out his window and can see his destination literally around the corner: the grocery store.  His disposition quickly sours due to the ridiculous traffic.  He leans out his window to look ahead and see what the hold up is.  He quickly spots an ambulance and several police cars some thirty yards ahead of him.  He looks confused until he spots a person's arm laying in a pool of blood as it peeks out from a spot in the traffic.  Santa immediately collects himself, he is very ashamed at his behavior.  He rolls up his window and turns on the radio.  He is immediately audibly assaulted by the most obnoxious FM radio disc jockey ever.


RADIO D.J. (O.S.)

(with way too much energy)


--like a fart in a Mr. Bucket!  I'm gonna spew outta mah dong hole!  Hey, Mr. Clinton, is that a poop stain on your undies?!


A Bill Clinton soundbyte plays.


BILL CLINTON

It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is--


Santa angrily shuts off the radio and sits in silence.  Several seconds pass.  Santa only sits and shakes his head.


CUT TO:


EXT. STORE PARKING LOT


Santa's car pulls into the parking lot of the grocery store.  The place is basically packed, he has to park towards the back of the lot.  He gets out of his car and just stares at the long walk ahead of him.  Just then, a stray shopping cart rolls into his bumper, scratching the paint.  Santa can only slump his shoulders in defeat.


CUT TO:


INT. GROCERY STORE


Santa walks through the grocery store pushing an empty shopping cart.  He is in the produce section.  He whistles  a few bars of "SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN" quietly to himself as he checks his pockets.  He starts to sing quietly.


SANTA

(quietly)

He's making a list/He's checking it...


He abruptly stops singing as he realizes that his pockets are empty.  He pads himself down as he searches for what should be in his pocket. 


SANTA

Twice...


He doesn't have anything on him.  He's forgotten his grocery list.  He drops his arms in defeat.


SANTA

(upset)

You've got to be...


Santa exhales long and hard.  He can only shake his head at himself.  He leaves his cart sitting where it is and walks out of frame.


FADE OUT.

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